Rebalancing

My job has changed considerably. I don't have completely steady employment right now but I am doing my best to stay afloat. I have more or less decided to keep with the church even if I might not be the strictest of members. During the last few months, I considered leaving the church---but that was partially because there were hopes of a different kind of future for me... one where I didn't feel like I was alone and fighting people over the church anymore. Its not panned out as I had planned. Or Hoped.

So instead, I'm decided to stick around.

I don't know what the future will hold for me.

I have bought four books on adoption. One is about toddler adoption. I'm excited to continue reading these books. They are good motivations for me.

Haven't seen the last of me...

A very dear friend of mine surprised me with an Ipod as a gift. He knew I wanted one for some language lessons I'm doing.

I am truly amazed by the kindness of people in my life, especially when I don't feel I deserve the kindness.

He is a truly amazing friend. I thought so before the Ipod nano surprise, of course. I don't deserve such good friends.

As far as the gospel goes... I feel alright about things for now. I'll quote Cher, since thats what every gay man does with the gospel right? :)

I've been brought down to my knees
And I've been pushed way past the point of breaking
But I can take it
I'll be back
Back on my feet
This is far from over
I am far from over
You haven't seen the last of me

I guess...

I guess how I am feeling right now is a wish to be loved.

I have friends who I have occasionally cuddled with---that has helped me feel connected to people. I really miss that closeness with my friends.

I don't want just any close contact with someone---I don't want to hug a random stranger. I want there to be a connection.

I miss that connection with other men.

I feel lonely.

I guess that is how I am feeling right now.

Oh really?

I sometimes wonder what is my future with the church when I see people who make statements such as the following.

Mitt Romney is quoted as having said:

"The children of America have the right to have a father and a mother,'' Romney said in his prepared remarks. "What should be the ideal for raising a child? Not a village, not ‘parent A' and ‘parent B,' but a mother and a father.''

Romney also warned about the societal impact of gay parents raising children. "Scientific studies of children raised by same-sex couples are almost nonexistent,'' he said. "It may affect the development of children and thereby future society as a whole.''

Romney expressed similar beliefs during a speech in 2005 to socially conservative voters in South Carolina, as he was beginning to be viewed as a serious candidate for president.

"Some gays are actually having children born to them,'' he declared. "It's not right on paper. It's not right in fact. Every child has a right to a mother and father.''

There are two parts to my worrying about my future involvement in the church:

1) Will I continue to see people with views such as this? Undoubtedly it will happen, especially with a recent General Conference talk by Dallin H. Oaks which discussed children of gay couples and single parents as being without a doubt, disadvantaged, and essentially neglected.

2) Will there be any change if I leave? Undoubtedly not, once again. If I go to church with my future black son and do my best to raise him well, maybe it will change some hearts and minds to open their hearts and minds. 

I still believe in the church despite some of these kinds of statements. People who doubt the sincerity with which I desire to be a father need only to read this blog for a few entries to know it is a passion of mine. To not be a parent would kill me.

Will I stay? I like to think I'd say yes, especially given No. 2's logic. Maybe I will be the gay Mormon parent pioneer, having a multi-racial family and breaking everyone's narrow-minded thought process down.

It doesn't make sense...

... why do I care about someone who doesn't return my feelings? Is it because I'm so desperate to be loved? Or is it because I have some sort of sick self-mutilating hatred for myself that I continue to put myself into those same situations where I will undoubtedly get hurt?

I have a job interview coming up for another part-time job but it could turn into part-time long-term.

... I wish I had a job so I could be getting further out of debt. I want a house and a child. I don't want anything crazy in life. I have given up on the ideas of fame and fortune which were my naive ideas from my youth. I have basically also given up on ever having a person who'd love me in a complete way as well.

And yet, I continue to desire that love even though I fight myself into thinking it is not possible.

... Time after time, I find that I'm struggling to tell what's burning inside of me.

Maybe I make myself available too much, hoping that people I care about will think of me and want to be around me.

... I just want to be happy.

I realize...

... its been a while since I've felt loved. Its not a good feeling.

I wish that I had someone who'd scoop me up and hold me tight---without wanting anything from me besides my company and my heart.

Maybe it is too much to hope for.

King of the World

I feel like sometimes we have within us a great power for happiness. I feel like I do too, but I'm being blocked from reaching my full potential and destiny.

This is the song of a slave, a former prince, locked inside a ship being brought to the Americas. Its the end of a very powerful song. Sometimes I relate to feeling trapped inside my current situation.

I will not be defeated
I will stand like a mountain
And the road will stretch before me
And they'll know it's time to follow

And we'll lift our eyes
And raise our heads
And face the sun
And tell the future
I'm king of the world
Land of the free
High in the sky
The best that I can be
And I'm king of the world
Watch and you'll see
Nothing can stop me from tomorrow,
Keep me from my destiny

I'm king of the world
I'm king of the world
I'm . . . I'm . . .
At least I used to be