God Still Loves Me...

While I do know that Heavenly Father still loves me, as He does all His children, I am actually using the heading to base a very long standing argument which gay people (specifically out-gay inactive members of the church) seem to state:

"I know that God still loves me..."

Often said in an argumentative manner or a means to gain sympathy after they've expressed how their church has abandoned them (rather than, interestingly enough, the person abandoning the church...)

This statement always bugs me... And it doesn't bother me because I believe that God doesn't love an out-gay person. Its the idea that the Gospel or the First Presidency has ever stated contrary to this statement.

OF COURSE, Heavenly Father still loves you! He loves you no matter what you do.

If you had a puppy chew on your favorite shoe, would you be upset with him? Sure. Would you maybe be frustrated? A little. Would you hate him forever? Certainly not. I've never been able to stay mad at a pet of mine for very long. However, that doesn't mean you approve of the action of chewing on the shoe.

I believe that Heavenly Father works the same way.

He will always love His children. Gay. Straight. Black. White. Brown. Tanned. Purple. Pink. Member. Nonmember. Inactive... However, that doesn't mean he approves of all of our actions.

I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know he approves of my love for helping my family, providing service to people, and doing things like submitting names to the Temple. However, that doesn't mean that He likes everything I do. Does he enjoy when I get mad at someone? Or if I chose to drink just a little alcohol... or watch an R-rated movie... or something pornographic on the computer...??? Of course not. But He doesn't stop loving us either.

When I hear former members of the church bash our leaders, those of whom at one time they followed, it makes me upset when they say "I still know God Loves me... no matter what anyone says!" because the church has never said same-gender attracted people could not be members. They merely stated that certain behaviors be dealt with in a gospel-centered way. The church never stated that same-gender attracted members were not welcome in church meetings or at BYU or working for the church or as a missionary. . . We're just like all other members of the church, and, like all members of God's spirit family.

However, just because we are always recipients of God's love, doesn't mean He approves of all the things we do. Whether gay, straight, black, white, brown... etc.

Just a couple pennies' worth of my thoughts. Anyone else agree? disagree?

Things and stuff...

I have had an interesting conversation with my exgirlfriend.

Lately she's had a crush on her Spanish professor. Just a little one. The type where she thinks he is cute and gets tongue tied around him (which isn't a good sign when in a LANGUAGE course...) but it has been really fun to talk to her about all of it. She's been so embarrassed by her behavior. It has cracked me up though.

The weird thing is that she and I have been discussing our mutual attraction of latin men.

Why is this somehow normal? haha.

I think that my love for the cute darker-skinned not-so-fair sex is evident by my talking about how I think Corbin Bleu is really cute. I am not just attracted to darker skinned people though.

Okay... so my "Type" is anyone having curly hair and an accent... Hence why I love Orlando Bloom. As so many Latinos have curly hair and accents, it is evident why I would be attracted to them. It doesn't hurt that Latin people are the only ones who are okay with the fact that I could lose a few pounds and don't go to the gym.

I'm sure America Ferreira would find me attractive since latinas love my booty. But I doubt she will ever marry me despite my best efforts at becoming Mr Ugly Betty someday.

This is just a bunch of my random thoughts. I've asked my ex to take a picture of him since I'm just curious what he looks like.

If anyone hasn't already started, listen to In The Heights. AMAZING.

My thoughts

I am going to bed soon. I promise.

I've been thinking a lot tonight and wanted to share some of my thoughts.

I'm a Moho. A same-gender attracted person. An occasionally well dressed celibate.

In the Latter-day Saint Church Culture (though not doctrine) we're taught that unless you're married with a family you are not doing what you're supposed to be doing. If I don't get married, then where do I fit into the church?

I sometimes wonder about my role in the church even if I did get married. Would I ever want to be a church leader... a bishop or stake president? Not really. Callings of power and authority scare me. I'd probably pee myself if I was ever called to be even an Elders Quorum President.

I had a girlfriend once. No one ever seems to believe it. We had a long-distance courtship which ended in both of us being burned though not for the SGA reasons. Jealousy and misunderstandings became so prominent in our relationship that it was giving me panic attacks and a pre-ulcer like condition with the stress. I didn't like what our relationship turned us into. And, of course, I miss her. Even though we talk every week, I still miss her.

I sometimes think about marriage as a means to feel normal. Its always in the back of my mind as one of those "What Ifs"... What if I had married my ex-girlfriend? She is by far the coolest girl I've ever met in my life. If I wasn't attracted to men, I'd have married her a long time ago. I had planned on proposing to her about 2-3 months after we ultimately broke up. She never knew that I had planned on proposing to her. Short of her discovering this blog, she will likely never know. Because I couldn't possibly tell her at this point.

I don't really want to marry a woman anymore though.

My Bishop suggested I date. Not in the sense of wanting to get me married. He thinks dating for me would be a good way to become social. He thinks I'm anti-social at church. That is actually funny to me because this is the first ward I've been to that I actually attend activities on occasion and I have not missed a single Sunday despite usually sitting alone.

How do I explain to my Bishop that my NOT dating is a form of kindness? Because if I dated a girl, she might become attached to me... And then look what would happen... she'd possibly want to date more, take it to another level, kiss me, etc. Must better to just avoid the drama and not put girls through it.

What would I do on a date?

Despite the occasional loneliness, I like being attracted to men. Its normal to me.

If I'm content with my attractions with no desire for marriage or dating, then ... we're back at the same question: WHERE do I fit into the gospel?

My answer... I think that we choose our own way we fit in.

My mom went to the temple today and did the work for someone. I helped a friend of mine compile some names for the temple, and this was one of them. My mom had such a spiritual impression about this woman that she called me afterwards crying.

While my friend and I both have worked on compiling his family history... I know it is because of my work that this woman ultimately is getting a chance to accept the gospel.

I think we all need a reason to keep going to church. Whether its a love of Scripture Study, Temple attendance, church service... being a good friend... being an example to those you know... going on splits with missionaries... singing in the ward choir... or organizing the nicest centerpieces at a Stake Date-Night.

I think we all have a place in the gospel if we desire to find our own way to help.

In other news, I still don't know why Corbin Bleu is not as famous as Zac Efron.

My latest

... So I met with the Bishop the second time yesterday. I'm on an "Informal Probation" for a few months until I can get my Temple Recommend. That is nothing too severe, in a sense, compared to disfellowship or a formal probation.

However, it is hard in its own way...

I cannot take the sacrament, pray in public meetings or participate in class discussions. So basically, when I'm at church I sit by myself, don't say a word during the lesson, and I cannot do really anything but read.

Church is supposed to charge my batteries. However, yesterday being my first Sunday on the Informal Probation meant I got no charge. I don't feel good this week. Things like talking in class, sharing experiences with the lesson and praying in class help me...

I'm sure the church has its reasons for these rules in the informal probation. I have to figure out a way to get a spiritual charging of my batteries because right now I'm not feeling very strongly charged. Does any of this make sense?

I was thinking that during church I would bring my journal and record thoughts because I cannot voice them out loud.

I would appreciate prayers and maybe a phone call, email or something for those who know me...

A day in a new life...

Already, I feel like my life is a little different. I'm on an unofficial probation right now, I guess, so church will be a little weird for a couple weeks ... Unless the Stake President says I don't need the probation. Unsure of what he'll say.

Regardless, I am feeling happy and confident that whatever is decided will be for the good of not only myself but my relatives' whose work in the Temple I can complete when this all happens. It will be insane getting baptized for some of my deceased relations. And then also Endowments and sealings too.

I feel like I'm beginning a new life. That makes me happy. :)

I still want prayers from my Mohomies, if you wouldn't mind. It took a LOT for me to talk to a Bishop since I hate admitting my faults. But, as I said, its for the best...

My "First Time"

Well, its not going to be as sensual as you might think...

Today was my first time meeting with the Bishop regarding getting my Temple Recommend. I explained the Same-Gender Attraction thing. Told him about any issues I've had in the past ... He's let me know that I can get my temple recommend... but he's not sure when. He would like to counsel with the Stake President to determine what will need to be done.

My Bishop was very supportive... He even let me know that one of his close relatives deals with the same issue.

I will be meeting with him on a weekly basis ...

I've decided I'm going to do whatever they ask of me to do. And I will do my best to follow the commandments and participating in my ward. Going to Family Home Evenings. Ward Activities. Church Every Sunday. Paying Tithing. Etc.

This coming Sunday, I have a meeting with him...

I will keep you posted. Please keep me in your prayers so I can get a recommend as soon as is possible...

Careers and blessings. . .

I already had a job by the time I graduated college. I know what you are thinking "HOW was it possible?" Well, I would love to take the credit for it but I realize that it would be a little selfish. I realize it is a definite blessing from my Heavenly Father.

However, I wasn't getting enough hours. I still am not but its not due to a lack of work. I am merely having scheduling issues. It is hard for me to work 40 hours a week at my job despite LOVING what I do.

I will not tell you what I do as my job would basically out me to everyone ... not because it is a gay job. The reason my job would out me is that I'm in a specialized field and so I am just a little protective over my privacy.

My job is not technically "full-time" nor does it offer any benefits.

I got a call from a friend the other day who alerted me to a possible job where he works. I still have not heard officially whether or not I could get the job, but his boss was interested in hiring me. So, last night I was up until 2 AM working on a resume.

This job would offer a salary, benefits, more job security, and a potential for traveling in the future...

Even though I don't HAVE the job, I can see our Heavenly Father's hand in this.

I don't consider myself somehow special enough to gain these blessings. However, I know that I am special in God's eyes. If I don't always see myself as special or important, I merely need to look at the blessings around me.

Right now, I am living rent free with a relative... in exchange for housework and things.

I am living in my mom's old bedroom she had as a child. Its a little strange realizing that, but its cool in a way. My mom and I are exceedingly close, especially since I told her of my same gender attraction issues three years ago. (Holy crap! Was it really that long ago? I guess it really is... WOW!)

What a difference has occurred in my life since I told my parents... Some has been hard. Some have been a major blessing. I do not regret any of it...

And now, I am working towards having a career of my dreams. If these are not evidences of my commitment to the gospel and not going the "gay way" then I don't know what is.

Life is beautiful. We should all enjoy it.

Post-It Boy