When you're alone...

Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone with the church.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have anywhere to turn to.

I stopped praying more than once a week a long time ago.

I don't read the scriptures much.

And I'm unhappy and feel desperately, hopelessly, alone.

I think that my first two sentences are a reflection and result of my second two sentences. I don't know why I am so hurt sometimes by the church. Why is it that the church has to make statements which make me feel small and worthless? Why do I interpret them that way?

I just wish I felt something---anything---instead of feeling alone.

I need to try my best to at least say prayers sometimes. And read the scriptures sometimes. And I need to stop being so rebellious at heart with things from LDS culture and the gospel. I will probably never be a fan of LDS cultural things... You'll never see me rocking out to the Osmonds. But maybe, just maybe, there's hope for this rebellious heart.

Randomly written Thoughts

Today I went to Sacrament Meeting and sat in the hallwayand the whole time I kind of wished I was in a different ward. Then I walked into the Chapel and saw dozens of new faces and wondered "Why don't I try to be friends with these people?"

Maybe I don't try.

I had a great time over Christmas. I told my mom about my plans for adoption and she is supportive. She is actually kind of excited about it, I think. I told her about the Congo and she ended up reading some of my literature I'd brought with me about it. I told her "You know I have always loved black babies..." And then she admitted she always loved dark babies. We are so alike at times. haha.

She said she'd support my decision and that she thinks people in the family will warm up to it eventually.

This weekend I went house hunting. It was actually really nice. I'm not READY to buy a house, but I am looking into getting a house maybe in a year. It would be GREAT to have a house in a year. Seriously, GREAT. We'll see if it happens. Tired of living in a place which I don't own. Tired of living in a place which is just like someone else's house which I'm paying rent for. I'd like to have my own place.

I saw homes built by Ivory Homes. And a few other construction places. It was actually quite nice although I'm not sure if I will be getting a brand new home or something which is already built. Kind of leaning on the latter since I'd rather have a brand-new home when my brother builds it. It would be more of a project which I could work on. I'm excited to ultimately HAVE a house. Regardless of its brand new or used status.

The LDS church has come out strongly against gay marriage recently. Even saying in a letter published by the church that legalizing gay marriage will then require adoption agencies to give children to gay married couples. And the whole time I was thinking "Yes... and?"

Why would I be a worse parent than a straight man? or a straight couple? Am I so inherently bad that I couldn't possibly raise a child normally? Its kind of sad to me.

I'm just going to raise my children my own way. And to hell with what church members think. I'm not doing anything wrong. In fact, I feel I am being guided to do this. If people knew what I've had to sacrifice, what I've been through to reach who I am today, then I think they'd understand.

Living the "Lifestyle" and other assumptive molds...

I think that I am guilty of this at times... but I am trying not to be.

Many of us use the phrase the "Gay Lifestyle" or the "Gay Life"... but what does it mean?

If I am gay, homosexual, SGA, etc. I'm still attracted to members of my own gender. Regardless of what I do with those feelings, I'm still attracted to men. I don't have to be romantically linked to anyone. I don't have to be doing anything I don't want to do.

Why do we differentiate so much between those who are celibate by choice or those who are sexually active? What if someone has left the church but still isn't sexually active? What about those still going to church but who are sexually active? Who fits into what category?

Sometimes I wonder, like Dumbledore, if we sort people into categories too early.

I know what people are meaning when they say the "gay lifestyle." But to the world and the church body at large, it doesn't matter. Someday, I plan on having a baby and raising him or her... and to the church community, I'll just be a gay man with a baby. And yes, I'll be going to church. But I'll still be a freak. Some members will assume I'm divorced. Some will think I'm recently widowed. Some will question my motivations for going to church. Some will wonder where my wife is. I won't fit into their very narrow mindset of appropriate or normal behavior. They won't be able to categorize me completely. I won't fit a mold. So I wonder... SHOULD we even be fitting people into molds in the first place? Are we guilty of saying someone is living a certain lifestyle when he or she might just be living their LIFE?

Do we, in our haste, put people into a category?

I guess I am living the gay lifestyle. Since I am homosexually minded. But that doesn't mean I'm sexually active. It just means my lifestyle includes gay aspects. I love Orlando Bloom movies for many reasons besides the fact they're fun. (He's SO gorgeous!) I like GQ. I like sewing and decorating. I like wearing pocket squares. These are aspects of a gay lifestyle.

So where do I fit into the categories we're so quick to put people in?

Am I mean?

I sometimes wonder if I come across as mean when I express my opinions. I've said in the past that JiM sounds like a cult. Well, to me it DOES. I've read the articles about what goes on there, and maybe it helps people. But to me, it sounds like a Cult. All full of secrets. And from what I gather, its like group therapy sessions and holding and all sorts of things which don't sound too appealing. Now maybe they really do help people embrace their masculinity.

However, I don't think I need to embrace my masculinity. I'm glad I have a penis. And I'm proud of my metrosexuality. I like wearing pocket squares and I think I might start rocking a bow-tie.

So am I mean for saying that I think those weekends sound like a cult? I dunno. I just think I'm expressing an opinion.

I'm vocal with opinions. Does that make me mean or just honest? Personally, I kind of think more people agree with my opinions than will admit it since I just speak whats in my head.

In other news, I met with a financial counselor and he thinks I might be able to get into a house within a year. Which would be awesome.

Why not me?

So I see everyone with babies and families... homes and newer cars... and I think "Why not me?"

Well, its going to be me. I'm not giving up. I've got my four-part plan. In order for me to get it, I have to remain positive, upbeat, and keep fighting.

Fixing

I don't follow politics but I saw a clip of a little boy who approached Michelle Bachman and said "My mommy's gay but she doesn't need fixing!" And its kind of a funny thought to me...

To me, in a way, if we were supposed to be changed there would be an obvious course of action to be placed on us. If changing our orientation was a requirement, there'd be some direction as to a course of treatment... Psychologists have used shock therapies, hypnosis, etc. to work on changing attractions. I went to a cognitive therapist who helped me realize I COULD be married and have sexual activity with a woman, if I wanted to.

However, to me, there isn't a clear direction. Science has multiple studies with various opposing results. Psychologists have the same. Church leaders say whatever they think which is a mix of the above, and I don't believe always divinely inspired.

Which leads me to this: Its all a state of confusion. Honestly. No one knows what causes homosexual attractions definitively. From what I can see, something inborn might be the cause... might not be genetics. Might not be neural. Might just be some quirk. Or maybe it is a learned behavior---we're called gay growing up by our peers and the bullies, so we accept it. I dunno.

To me, it doesn't matter what causes it. The whole point is we need to choose HOW WE WILL DEAL WITH IT. And that is a very personal desire. We can listen to church leaders, we can listen to community leaders, we can listen to friends, family, the internet, read books about it, etc. but it all comes down to one thing:

How do YOU want to handle it?

I support everyone in their decision, whether they want to stick to the church route or to the non-church route. Either way can bring happiness. However, the one thing I say, and I repeat it... if you CHOOSE YOUR ROUTE... because it is the choice you make which you believe will give you the joy and peace of your attractions... if you make THAT CHOICE for yourself with no influence from trying to please family or church leaders but fully on your own, then you have to stop belly-aching and deal with it. It was your choice. So if you decide to leave the church, don't just sit around complaining about the church---go and live your life. If you decide to stay in the church, don't cry that you aren't sexually active. It was YOUR CHOICE which put you there. You have a myriad of choices. So choose and deal with the consequences.

Hurt

Adoption will not be straight forward in Utah. Got an email from an agency who told me about how there was a law against homosexuals adopting in Utah. Only way for me to do it is to claim to be heterosexual and convince all the social workers who will dig into my past.

Sometimes I think the surrogacy route would be easiest. My fund raising would still go towards the same end benefit: having a child. However, it saddens me that Utah wouldn't allow me as a tax-paying citizen to adopt easily and honestly.

I'll be okay. I'll figure something out.