Why? ... and goal confusion

I think that religion is a very good thing overall. Is it perfect? No. Are people of any religion always 100% accepting and loving? No.

However, religion nor the lack thereof isn't proof of one's spirituality or godlessness. Some people are religious and moral but do not go to church at all. There are plenty of bad people who hide behind a shroud of religion to cover up their errors and issues. Neither are the correct route in my opinion.

I'm a supporter of people living in a way which is beneficial to themselves and others around them. Regardless of their religious beliefs. A lot of homosexuals are turned off by religious groups entirely and become atheist. Maybe that is partially with how homosexuals have been treated by the vast majority of religious groups or individuals? That would be my guess.

I think that part of the problem with why these two groups don't live in harmony with each other is a misinterpretation of each others' goals.

Misbelief: All Christians are haters.
More Accurate Belief: Not all Christians are haters. Nor do all Christians think of themselves as anti-homosexual. Some groups are taking longer than others to get onto the bandwagon of acceptance and love. A homosexual labeling a Christian (whether LDS or not) as being a hateful bigot is as bad as a Christian saying that a homosexual is eternally damned or that they're living a Godless life. Neither are promoting the acceptance or discussion with each other about beliefs to create a better understanding. In fact, if someone said to me "You're a Mormon... therefore I don't want to talk to you" despite not knowing me personally, it would be very offensive. Much like if someone saw me, and said "I can tell you're gay, therefore you're gross!" In neither group is there any better understanding. Labeling an individual after the judgment of an entire group is unethical and wrong.

Misbelief: All Homosexuals are trying to change society for the worse by pushing their beliefs and wanting society to accept them.
More Accurate Belief: OF COURSE Homosexuals want to change society---but whether its for the worse or the betterment of the community is up to interpretation. Homosexuals have been treated badly for years and years... SIMILAR TO HOW CHRISTIANS HAVE BEEN TREATED! Shouldn't we be more sympathetic to each other's causes if we've had similar histories? Until recently, Homosexuals were jailed and in some countries put to death. Christians have had similar histories. Mormons were legally allowed to be killed in Missouri after the government allowed their extermination. Hitler specifically targeted homosexuals and killed thousands of them in the holocaust---even people simply associating with homosexuals. In England, it was considered against the law. Even in someone's personal private home, it was against the law and punishable by prison sentences. SO why wouldn't a group want to fight for more acceptance? Is it that bad to want to be treated like a human being? Sure---some homosexual groups write children's books about children having two daddies or two mommies. So they're "indoctrinating" a younger generation. This is a common fear of Christian populations. However, just like a Sesame Street Character in Africa who is HIV Positive, it is a tool being used to stop hatred and promote understanding. NOT to turn kids gay or push them to get AIDS through unprotected sexual encounters.

I think that if the gay and Christian communities sat down and didn't have a heated debate, there might be some more cultural ground for similarities than we're currently allowing. Maybe we'd find a way to be friends instead of bitter enemies.

And for people like me who are actively LDS and find themselves with homosexual tendencies, we would have a better place in a society where both groups can embrace each other.

Why?

My last post got a comment about why I would still want to be a part of the LDS church organization. My answer is simple enough: Its because I have faith that its true.

I realize that explanation is silly and makes me sound naive. I say this with full knowledge that some will consider me completely out of my mind. I've documented my blog for the last few years, with only occasional posts until more recently when I've gotten back into writing my blog.

If you read from the beginning, you can see a change in my perspective. I've become less strict, less depressed, more open and realistic. Am I going to be the "new gay"---? I'm not sure if the next generation of gay men will think more like I do. As I see more and more of my friends leave the church, its a little disheartening... If I didn't have a testimony anymore, I wouldn't be here writing. I'd be off living my life. And I AM living my life. And most of the time, I'm happy with my life---I'm happy with my decision to stay in the church.

Some people talk about all the unpleasantness from living in Utah and a heavily LDS environment---and I see what they're saying. However, I don't have as many negative experiences. I'm usually just doing my own thing. If I am surrounded by negative people, I get out of that group---or, I confront them and bash 'em. Whichever is easiest. :)

The gospel bothers me far less than LDS culture. However, most of the LDS culture I'm completely separated from. I go to work, come home, do my life here, etc. I'm rarely if ever surrounded by LDS people. My roommates are both inactive. Most of my friends are LDS but I don't see my friends too often. (I'm wildly unpopular and unlikeable. haha. Actually, I'm a workaholic.)

So most of the time, its just me living my quiet life. Even if I was out of the church, I'd probably continue living my little quiet life. There'd be little difference since I don't hold a lot of animosity towards the church. Nor do I hold much of any inner conflict or turmoil.

I've made my decision to remain LDS because of my faith. I'm strong enough not to give up, humble enough to accept my fate, and wise enough not to take crap from anyone.

Did I just say crap in my version of a gay Mormon blogger testimony?

Broken Vases and Change Therapies

I was speaking with a new-but-true friend Mitch Mayne tonight. He's kind of become established for his controversial (to some) but awesome calling in his ward. (His blog is: http://www.mitchmayne.blogspot.com/ )

The following is an expansion on an email I wrote to him, where in our usual banter were discussing some of the change therapy issues within our gay-moho-ssa Mormon community.

Before I say this, I will say that I love the organizations which are working with members of our community in healthy ways. I am indebted to groups like Evergreen and David Pruden for first teaching me that I can remain in the church with my attractions. I don't go to the Conferences anymore because I feel like I don't continue to gain anything. They helped me in a time when I needed it, and I support them in their purposes.

I think some people think there's something 'wrong with us.' Like, we're something which needs correction because there is something obviously and fundamentally different with us which needs fixing.

I don't think that I liked very much spending years of my life thinking there was something wrong witg me... I used to describe myself as a broken vase. Just have to hide the crack against the wall---no one will notice it. Fill the broken vase with pretty silk flowers, no one will notice the chips.

After years of soul searching, learning, talking with friends, I realize I am not broken. I realize that I have so much to offer the world--I am a good listener. Post-it Boy likes offering advice to friends who need a listening ear. My cooking skills are rather good and I love to bring cookies, cupcakes, muffins, and such with me to share with my coworkers. Some say my cubicle is a mini-bakery. I am a good friend. A dang good brother. And I'm going to be one HECK of a father someday to some lucky children. (And I will be, in turn, very lucky for those children who will be gifted to me.) I am not a broken vase---just a vase. Beautiful and simple in itself. No corrections necessary. I don't need to have my crack against the wall.

That last line sounded better in my head than in actual text.

Maybe instead of fixing our sexuality, we need to fix those areas which aren't working: Are you depressed? Lonely? Angry? Suicidal? THOSE things need correction. Our sexual attractions make us partially who we are in addition to a myriad of other wonderful, beautiful things.

I think a lot of gay men in the church do think they're broken vases which need correcting. Its not fun thinking there's something which has to be fixed or changed. But maybe the non-gay world wants to find a way for us to be fixed and changed so we're "normal"... Then, no more cracked vases. Easy as pie.

Is it really that bad?

Sometimes I hear people complaining about their sexuality... an attitude which seems to have really perpetuated in the LDS Moho community.

Person a: "Oh, life is such a challenge... here are all of my challenges"
Person b: "Well, you think that is bad... My father did this... and I never had fun as a child.
Person a: "Oh, thats horrible! But it is not as bad as me..."

And the conversation continues. People don't know how to appreciate their attractions.

Here's my challenge to you:

Write down the top 10 things you want to do in life. They could be silly things like learning how to cook thai food. Or important things like... buy a house, build a cabin, etc.

The thing which is necessary is that they have to be REAL things. Don't write "Be a good person" since that is so subjective. Write things you want to be able to accomplish. And the things you want to do in life HAVE TO BE THINGS YOUR HEART TRULY WANTS!

I know cooking thai food might sound silly, but if it is something which interests you... write it down! If traveling to Kazakhistan has been a dream of yours since you were little, write it down! Seriously. I want everyone to write down ten things.

And guess what? Probably none of them will be impossible due to your attractions. Even if you wrote "Get married and have a bunch of kids!" Not impossible. You'd just have to find the right woman. And most women would love a good gay husband. Seriously. Most of my female friends say "I wish my gay friends were straight enough to have sex with me because they're the best companions..."

So if the top ten things you want to do in life which are your most heartfelt, most desired things to accomplish are ALL possible: WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING? Sure, crap happens all the time---sure, you're lonely sometimes... but everyone is! So get up off your lazy butt and stop complaining. Find something to be happy about.

Confessions and cookie making...

Tonight I made cookies at home and decorated them with icing. Why? Because I was in a festive mood and I'll bring a tray of them to work tomorrow. As I sat and iced the last of my gingerbread men, I thought "These guys are pretty hot..."

Kidding... Just seeing if you're paying attention.

I thought to myself "This is the kind of thing I think kids should be doing!" It made me think of the children who go to sleep on concrete floors, in dirt, who don't have a mother or father who will hug them, kiss them, love them... and who don't have Christmas cookies to look forward to.

Every child should get a chance to make cookies with a loving parent.

Someday archaic places like Utah will realize that single parents, especially men, are potential love-givers and fully capable of helping a child reach his or her full potential. I don't even know women who can bake and cook as well as I can.

More confessions... I'm kind of wondering if I need to start preparing myself now for being a father by maybe trying to get more spiritually in-tune. Its hard when I feel lonely reading the scriptures by myself, go to church by myself, and pray alone. To me, those activities should be done as a family.

Confessions

I haven't prayed in a long time. Longer than I care to admit. I don't feel the spirit very much anymore even when I go to church. Maybe its my own fault for not praying or reading the scriptures like I should.

Right now, I feel hurt and abandoned.

Maybe I have no right to feel that way because maybe I'm the one who has cut himself off from God. My lack of faith right now is a culmination of a lot of things. I still have a testimony, but I don't have the faith enough to get out of this rut.

I don't like where I'm at in life. Today I sat at home feeling so tired and sick... but I'm not sure if its a physical sickness or just an exhaustion from all that I have in life. I wonder if I'll ever be able to meet my goals. And if I do, will it be worth all the hassles?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so alone. Sometimes I wish I'd get someone who'd stop by the apartment just to say hello.

Or maybe feel like... despite all that I've had going on in life, that my Heavenly Father is watching over me. I don't feel his presence around me anymore. Maybe that's why I feel so empty and alone.

My Mom

Recently my mom needed to go on a trip to see her sister but didn't have the money to pay for the ticket: I called her and despite her stubborn insistence I not do it, I bought her the plane ticket.

Today she sent me a text message saying she realizes how important it really was. Only one other sibling had attempted the same idea. And I, being one of the poorest, bought the plane ticket. I didn't tell her that it took half of the money in my bank account. Nor did I tell her that I had planned on using that money to make an extra loan payment to get rid of more of my debt. If I had, she'd have refused the help.

I did that because my mom is one of my favorite people in the world. I've not been able to really show her that before. I knew my mom needed the help, even if she wouldn't admit to it, so I bought the ticket for her.

I remember a few years ago watching Desperate Housewives when Bree abandoned her gay son Andrew on the side of the road. Yes, I'm old-school gay enough to remember names and story lines from past seasons of this show.

It had been about 2-3 years since I'd told my parents about my attractions when the episode aired. I remember feeling like, when I told them, that I'd also be abandoned at the side of the road. Later, I told my mom on Mother's day about this episode and how everyone believes that Bree is this perfect housewife, cook, mother, and neighbor. I told my mom I'd never trade her for Bree. Because even with these perfect qualities, she had trouble accepting her son. My mom... never even saw the clues leading up to it, so when I told her, she was blind-sided!

I would never ever trade my mom for another make or model. :)

So it is for this reason that it kind of pains me to say that while I feel comfortable telling my mom stories about my first kiss, crushes I have on celebrities (a few times I've blurted something out when its just she and I!) and my frustrations with working for an environment with a hostile coworker... I don't feel comfortable talking to her about my family and baby plans.

My mom has already said in the past she'd accept any grandchild who came into this family, regardless of how that child entered it. However, that was years ago when I think she still imagined I'd find a Miss Right and go through the whole temple marriage and having a baby route.

Reactions so far to my adoption and surrogacy plans have been mixed. I've had the "you're going to be excommunicated" discussion. I've even had the "every baby needs a father and mother" speech. I've also had the opposite side of: "You'd be an amazing mother slash father to a baby!"

With all of these varied responses, you'd think it would be simpler to say "Mom, I'm going to have a baby..."

Somehow, its too hard for me. I don't know how I'd take her disapproval.