In Jane Eyre, a young child is criticized for having naturally curly hair---she was seen as vain and punished despite her not choosing to have hair which was like that.
I didn't choose to be with these attractions. I realize that I don't need to act on them... but why is it that I am punished in this life, feeling like an outsider, when I didn't choose this? Do I always have to live my life as if I am looking into a world through a partition or barrier?
I sometimes wish that I'd been born differently... I don't want to "change" how I am now since I'm used to my attractions and have grown accustomed to them. However, I sometimes wish I'd been born differently so that I would have a more normal life---or at least a next to normal sort of life... If my attractions were not there, I would probably be married with children by now. And I'd have served a mission as I wouldn't have had depression, and I would be living a more typical LDS life...
And I wouldn't be an outsider looking in.
Why would Heavenly Father put me in a position where having children will be so difficult when this is one of the strongest desires of my heart?
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Before you read...
... know that I do have a testimony. If I didn't, I wouldn't be blogging at all. I'd be living my life without worrying about my future and the next life and all that jazz.
However, I will state that recently I've been getting emails and seeing blog posts which are excessively preachy. Almost hell-fire and damnation type posts. I won't say that it is wrong for someone to do so, however, it is an annoyance. There's no conversation or growth or development with those posts.
For example, let's say you're having a conversation with someone on ethics or morality... and then someone says a finite statement like "But thats not what the Lord would want... " and then starts quoting scriptures, it is kind of frustrating. I don't usually enter conversations to get one of the gospel Missionary discussions. I am, in fact, already LDS and don't need to hear it.
But if there's a conversation where different ideas are being bounced around in order to help people think and grow and consider other ideas---all within gospel settings of appropriateness... why do some have the need to preach? I don't get it.
I guess I never got into the missionary zeal as I never served a mission so I tend to keep my testimony to myself and to those who observe my life and can SEE I live the standards---not necessarily having to shove it down anyone's throats.
I usually have gospel related discussions where doctrine are discussed---and then other kinds of conversations where the world can be discussed in a frank and open manner in order to help people to grow. There's a TON of same gender attracted people out there who leave the church for one reason or another. What do we do with these types of people? Throw them scriptures every time they talk to us, or do we accept and love them as fellow human beings without excluding them by making them feel worthless for not living up to very difficult standards?
I personally would rather show someone how to live the gospel standards, have SSA feelings, and live happily than preach to them about it.
However, I will state that recently I've been getting emails and seeing blog posts which are excessively preachy. Almost hell-fire and damnation type posts. I won't say that it is wrong for someone to do so, however, it is an annoyance. There's no conversation or growth or development with those posts.
For example, let's say you're having a conversation with someone on ethics or morality... and then someone says a finite statement like "But thats not what the Lord would want... " and then starts quoting scriptures, it is kind of frustrating. I don't usually enter conversations to get one of the gospel Missionary discussions. I am, in fact, already LDS and don't need to hear it.
But if there's a conversation where different ideas are being bounced around in order to help people think and grow and consider other ideas---all within gospel settings of appropriateness... why do some have the need to preach? I don't get it.
I guess I never got into the missionary zeal as I never served a mission so I tend to keep my testimony to myself and to those who observe my life and can SEE I live the standards---not necessarily having to shove it down anyone's throats.
I usually have gospel related discussions where doctrine are discussed---and then other kinds of conversations where the world can be discussed in a frank and open manner in order to help people to grow. There's a TON of same gender attracted people out there who leave the church for one reason or another. What do we do with these types of people? Throw them scriptures every time they talk to us, or do we accept and love them as fellow human beings without excluding them by making them feel worthless for not living up to very difficult standards?
I personally would rather show someone how to live the gospel standards, have SSA feelings, and live happily than preach to them about it.
Sunday, November 6, 2011
Therapies
Okay, so I know a topic on everyone's mind... or at least on my mind... is the whole reparative therapy\conversion therapy ideas so present on the blogosphere.
I personally do not choose to go to therapy groups anymore. For a variety of reasons. I love and support organizations like NorthStar and Evergreen. However, I don't go to their meetings anymore... I don't do group therapies, one-on-one therapies, etc. anymore.
Why?
Because after progressing as far as I could with them, they didn't help anymore. In fact, they just made me feel stagnant more than anything. I wasn't gaining anything from attending the Matis firesides except a hug from Brother and Sister Matis who I still love and wish the best for---the church needs to clone them for future generations---Firesides weren't as beneficial as they once were. I felt ignored at them. And that is hard for me. I'm not very popular and not well-known in the SSA community necessarily. I'm a social retard but I've discussed this numerous times in the past.
Continuing on... I don't disagree with people who want to change their sexuality. I applaud them for it. Its a difficult challenge and you'll be pressured and ridiculed by many for it.
Others don't want to change their sexuality but want to "add" more heterosexual feelings to their life. Being added upon is a phrase we use a lot in the LDS community.
Trouble is... I want neither.
I had someone who I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with---but her goals and aspirations were different from my own. Only woman I'd ever marry in this life. And now she's married with a baby, so no chance there. She is, and I have said it before, the best woman I've ever known. A few people in the SSA community kind of led to the end of my relationship with her but that's besides the point. And I don't believe it was intentional.
I don't want heterosexual feelings added onto me. I don't want to get married. Honestly. I thought I did once but now after a lot of soul-searching its one of the last of my life's to-do's. If Heavenly Father had desired that of me, He'd have given me different challenges in life. Instead, I have been given this challenge for better or for worse---and I don't see any reason for me to change.
Do reparative therapies work? I'm sure they do for some people. Is JiM great? People say so, but I just don't see the point in paying the money for it personally... to be honest, the secretive nature of its meetings seem a little odd and I'm put off by that. In addition, those who seem to go have little post-JiM clubs which I think are separatist and so I don't approve of that either. I'm already excluded enough, don't need to have another group I'm disconnected with.
Anyway, some people think I'm negative towards therapies---and I'm not. For other people. I just don't want anything to do with being poked and prodded mentally anymore. I did over a year of group and one-on-one therapies at BYU. They helped me overcome a lot of my bad thought processes to help me become more of who I am today. Do I want to sit in a room and discuss my feelings anymore in a therapy setting? Not unless I have a severe change of mind. Which I doubt will happen. I'm far too stubborn.
I don't read statistics about changing one's sexuality anymore and I don't really care the results. Even if there was a magic pill, I'd probably not take it since I'm already set in my ways. If I was meant to be straight, I'd have been in a different life---different challenges---why should I change myself? Why should I even WANT to change myself? Why can't I just be me and love myself for how I am?
Sorry folks. Don't invite me to JiM. Not going to go. But I am not saying I don't support YOU going.
I personally do not choose to go to therapy groups anymore. For a variety of reasons. I love and support organizations like NorthStar and Evergreen. However, I don't go to their meetings anymore... I don't do group therapies, one-on-one therapies, etc. anymore.
Why?
Because after progressing as far as I could with them, they didn't help anymore. In fact, they just made me feel stagnant more than anything. I wasn't gaining anything from attending the Matis firesides except a hug from Brother and Sister Matis who I still love and wish the best for---the church needs to clone them for future generations---Firesides weren't as beneficial as they once were. I felt ignored at them. And that is hard for me. I'm not very popular and not well-known in the SSA community necessarily. I'm a social retard but I've discussed this numerous times in the past.
Continuing on... I don't disagree with people who want to change their sexuality. I applaud them for it. Its a difficult challenge and you'll be pressured and ridiculed by many for it.
Others don't want to change their sexuality but want to "add" more heterosexual feelings to their life. Being added upon is a phrase we use a lot in the LDS community.
Trouble is... I want neither.
I had someone who I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with---but her goals and aspirations were different from my own. Only woman I'd ever marry in this life. And now she's married with a baby, so no chance there. She is, and I have said it before, the best woman I've ever known. A few people in the SSA community kind of led to the end of my relationship with her but that's besides the point. And I don't believe it was intentional.
I don't want heterosexual feelings added onto me. I don't want to get married. Honestly. I thought I did once but now after a lot of soul-searching its one of the last of my life's to-do's. If Heavenly Father had desired that of me, He'd have given me different challenges in life. Instead, I have been given this challenge for better or for worse---and I don't see any reason for me to change.
Do reparative therapies work? I'm sure they do for some people. Is JiM great? People say so, but I just don't see the point in paying the money for it personally... to be honest, the secretive nature of its meetings seem a little odd and I'm put off by that. In addition, those who seem to go have little post-JiM clubs which I think are separatist and so I don't approve of that either. I'm already excluded enough, don't need to have another group I'm disconnected with.
Anyway, some people think I'm negative towards therapies---and I'm not. For other people. I just don't want anything to do with being poked and prodded mentally anymore. I did over a year of group and one-on-one therapies at BYU. They helped me overcome a lot of my bad thought processes to help me become more of who I am today. Do I want to sit in a room and discuss my feelings anymore in a therapy setting? Not unless I have a severe change of mind. Which I doubt will happen. I'm far too stubborn.
I don't read statistics about changing one's sexuality anymore and I don't really care the results. Even if there was a magic pill, I'd probably not take it since I'm already set in my ways. If I was meant to be straight, I'd have been in a different life---different challenges---why should I change myself? Why should I even WANT to change myself? Why can't I just be me and love myself for how I am?
Sorry folks. Don't invite me to JiM. Not going to go. But I am not saying I don't support YOU going.
Thank you for the Mondays...
Songs speak to me. Its one of the reasons I love a good Broadway musical. The passion, lyrics, etc. always get me going. Music speaks to me. Especially when they have some sort of power to them.
This song speaks to me. Whenever I think about the lyrics, it makes me think of my mother and how important she is to me. The only hurdle emotionally I have with bringing a child into this world without a mother is that my child wouldn't know a mother... there's a lot of children who don't know their fathers, but this is different to me. And hard for me to accept at times.
This song speaks to me. Whenever I think about the lyrics, it makes me think of my mother and how important she is to me. The only hurdle emotionally I have with bringing a child into this world without a mother is that my child wouldn't know a mother... there's a lot of children who don't know their fathers, but this is different to me. And hard for me to accept at times.
I have wonderful women in my life who would provide some of that motherly love.
This song is called Thank You. The lyrics are beautiful. I hope you enjoy them on this Sabbath Sunday!
If I lived to be a thousand years,
If I ruled the word – it's hemispheres,
I could not repay the love you brought my way,
So, I want to say it now
To thank you for each day you gave me.
Thank you for the Mondays,
Saturdays and Sundays,
Everyday, the whole year through;
Thank you for the fun days,
All those number-one days,
Battles-to-be-won days, too;
I just want to say it,
Thank you for each day with…you.
We have just one life to seize the day,
We only have what time there is to say…
‘n'do what we must do, express our gratitude,
So, I want to say it and sing it now to you.
Thank you for the Mondays,
Saturdays and Sundays,Everyday,
the whole year through;
Thank you for the fun days,
All those number-one days,
Battles-to-be-won days, too;
I just want to say it,
Thank you for each day with…you.
At the close of every day,
When I close my eyes to pray,
All I need to do, is just to think of you…
Then, all I need to say…is…
Thank you for the Mondays,
Saturdays and Sundays,
Everyday, the whole year through;
Thank you for the fun days,
All those number-one days,
Battles-to-be-won days, too;
I just want to say it,
Thank you for each day with…you.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
India
So my thoughts have turned a lot to India the last couple of months because of looking into the surrogacy...
Although ideally, I'd be able to find an American who would be able to do the surrogacy for me (in exchange for money or some other arrangement) right now it doesn't appear to be likely that this will happen...
I have been reading online and they are stating that it sometimes takes WEEKS to be able to bring the baby home from India. Now, those articles are from 2006 and 2007 and since then, things have become more stream-lined in that regard. I am going to try to find a local couple who has done the Indian surrogacy as a means to find out from them what was their process.
Its definitely not an easy process but then again, growing a uterus would be much much harder. :)
I still don't know how my family will react to this. I actually kind of planned on not telling them until the surrogate was actually pregnant since they'd probably try to talk me out of it. Once the baby was born and in my home, I'm SURE my parents will be excited. Even though it might not seem real to them initially. I actually thought it would be great to have my mom come with me to pick the baby up but she gets freaked out by international travel. She's weird.
However, I would really really love to have my family involved in this process. Its almost like coming out to my parents all over again even though this is about a BABY which should be a joyous occasion. So kind of weird I'm scared to talk to them about it.
In other news, I'm not making quite as much money as I was hoping with take-home pay as I'd originally thought I'd be making with my current job. So paying off student loans will be harder and longer than planned. Which means baby making will be prolonged.
There's still hope I'll get this other job which will pay better and have benefits so I'm crossing my fingers and toes it'll work out sooner than later.
Although ideally, I'd be able to find an American who would be able to do the surrogacy for me (in exchange for money or some other arrangement) right now it doesn't appear to be likely that this will happen...
I have been reading online and they are stating that it sometimes takes WEEKS to be able to bring the baby home from India. Now, those articles are from 2006 and 2007 and since then, things have become more stream-lined in that regard. I am going to try to find a local couple who has done the Indian surrogacy as a means to find out from them what was their process.
Its definitely not an easy process but then again, growing a uterus would be much much harder. :)
I still don't know how my family will react to this. I actually kind of planned on not telling them until the surrogate was actually pregnant since they'd probably try to talk me out of it. Once the baby was born and in my home, I'm SURE my parents will be excited. Even though it might not seem real to them initially. I actually thought it would be great to have my mom come with me to pick the baby up but she gets freaked out by international travel. She's weird.
However, I would really really love to have my family involved in this process. Its almost like coming out to my parents all over again even though this is about a BABY which should be a joyous occasion. So kind of weird I'm scared to talk to them about it.
In other news, I'm not making quite as much money as I was hoping with take-home pay as I'd originally thought I'd be making with my current job. So paying off student loans will be harder and longer than planned. Which means baby making will be prolonged.
There's still hope I'll get this other job which will pay better and have benefits so I'm crossing my fingers and toes it'll work out sooner than later.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Gethsemane in my own life...
Going to church seems like its going through the motions. I feel like I'm not progressing spiritually. I'm not growing in my personal life to be the type of person I want to be... Am I really going towards the path which will bring me closer to God? Or am I going down a crazy path? I'm not really sure.
Sometimes I wonder if my reasons for wanting a child are 100% the best for the child. I mean... doesn't a child deserve a mother in some ways? Would I really be able to provide all the love and support and maturity to raise a child who would have questions about where his or her mother was? Would it matter to a child who was raised in a household with a single male as a caregiver---would he or she adapt to those surroundings without thinking it was abnormal?
I just cannot imagine my life without being a parent. Its such a huge part of my thinking and mindset... And I feel I would be an amazing father regardless of the difficulties. Is it so wrong of me to want to do this despite the church's guidelines and obvious legal hurdles I'd have to face?
I don't feel the spirit much anymore. So whenever I pray about this or other things, its like my prayers are going out but not being heard.
I feel like these lyrics from the song Gethsemane sometimes...
"Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared"
Thinking about my life years ago, I feel like the spirit guided me more often... and now I'm just sad and tired... trying for years to fit the mold of being a normal church member while realizing that marriage and a family aren't a possibility. I don't want to have a wife. I want to have a child. And no matter how much I've prayed about it---occasionally even praying for my heart to change enough to WANT to be married... I've not had a desire to go down that typical LDS male route for ... well, since BYU when I was in love with my best friend and it didn't work out. Never wanted marriage before her either.
And now she's married. With a baby.
And I sometimes wonder if I should have been the father to that child. Maybe life would be altogether different for me.
I wonder if all these decisions I've made in life have helped or hindered me to my current stagnation.
I believe in the church. I believe in our Heavenly Father. I believe so much. So why don't I feel anything anymore?
"Listen surely I've exceeded
Expectations
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you ask as much
From any other man?"
Haven't I done enough in my life to prove my devotion to our Father? Given up so much and sacrificed in order to stay true to my temple covenants... Its been nearly 3 years since I went through the temple. And I felt like first I was progressing. Now I'm sad and tired. After all, I've tried for three years... Maybe I just need something to be progressing in life to feel alive again.
Sometimes I wonder if my reasons for wanting a child are 100% the best for the child. I mean... doesn't a child deserve a mother in some ways? Would I really be able to provide all the love and support and maturity to raise a child who would have questions about where his or her mother was? Would it matter to a child who was raised in a household with a single male as a caregiver---would he or she adapt to those surroundings without thinking it was abnormal?
I just cannot imagine my life without being a parent. Its such a huge part of my thinking and mindset... And I feel I would be an amazing father regardless of the difficulties. Is it so wrong of me to want to do this despite the church's guidelines and obvious legal hurdles I'd have to face?
I don't feel the spirit much anymore. So whenever I pray about this or other things, its like my prayers are going out but not being heard.
I feel like these lyrics from the song Gethsemane sometimes...
"Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared"
Thinking about my life years ago, I feel like the spirit guided me more often... and now I'm just sad and tired... trying for years to fit the mold of being a normal church member while realizing that marriage and a family aren't a possibility. I don't want to have a wife. I want to have a child. And no matter how much I've prayed about it---occasionally even praying for my heart to change enough to WANT to be married... I've not had a desire to go down that typical LDS male route for ... well, since BYU when I was in love with my best friend and it didn't work out. Never wanted marriage before her either.
And now she's married. With a baby.
And I sometimes wonder if I should have been the father to that child. Maybe life would be altogether different for me.
I wonder if all these decisions I've made in life have helped or hindered me to my current stagnation.
I believe in the church. I believe in our Heavenly Father. I believe so much. So why don't I feel anything anymore?
"Listen surely I've exceeded
Expectations
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you ask as much
From any other man?"
Haven't I done enough in my life to prove my devotion to our Father? Given up so much and sacrificed in order to stay true to my temple covenants... Its been nearly 3 years since I went through the temple. And I felt like first I was progressing. Now I'm sad and tired. After all, I've tried for three years... Maybe I just need something to be progressing in life to feel alive again.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Happy Halloween!
I love halloween. I love costumes.
Of course I also loved daydreaming all day about taking my own child out Trick or Treating. So weird, I know.
I found out traditional surrogacy is illegal in Utah. And any gestational surrogacy needs to be approved by the courts---and if the surrogacy is for a gay couple, it probably wouldn't be approved.
WHY is Utah so insane?
So now I'm leaning heavily towards surrogacy in India. It will cost me about 28,000. Or I will try to find someone who is a friend who would do it but isn't interested in raising the child. But even then, it would be illegal in a sense. India would be legal.
Its so complicated.
Of course I also loved daydreaming all day about taking my own child out Trick or Treating. So weird, I know.
I found out traditional surrogacy is illegal in Utah. And any gestational surrogacy needs to be approved by the courts---and if the surrogacy is for a gay couple, it probably wouldn't be approved.
WHY is Utah so insane?
So now I'm leaning heavily towards surrogacy in India. It will cost me about 28,000. Or I will try to find someone who is a friend who would do it but isn't interested in raising the child. But even then, it would be illegal in a sense. India would be legal.
Its so complicated.
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