As if anyone reads this...

I'm trying to find a new apartment. Thought I'd found one. Turns out I didn't make it before it got taken.

I'm so poor that I don't even have the money for a desposit anywhere. The place I'm living is okay but not as nice as some of these other places. I don't see any time in the foreseeable future I'll have anything but just enough money to cover my main living expenses while I continue to spiral downwards in debt... not being able to pay for school loans or my credit card...

I really hate my life. Is that sad to say? Honestly, I don't like my life. I really want to run away to my parents' house, say screw it all and just sleep for a month...

Why does my life have to be so hard? I'm going to the temple. I'm active in church. Why am I screwed financially so often?

What's Going On...

I'm kind of tired of being poor. And by kind of tired, I mean REALLY tired. The economy sucks and I wasn't doing amazing before that happened financially. So every month I am challenged to just pay my bills.

A few weeks ago I went and talked to the Bishop and I signed up for food from the Bishop's Storehouse. I ended up getting a lot of the basics there---butter, cheese, flour, etc. which really helped because I cannot afford to buy a lot of these basics. I didn't go crazy and get everything I'd need to eat there. Just go enough to supplement my food budget.

It was embarrassing. And humbling at the same time.

I wish life was easier for me. I wish I didn't have to fight so hard for money. I wish I had time to have a social life. And just to relax. But I'm stressed about work all the time. I've had three job interviews in the last month for part time work. None have panned out since they're offering me less than I make now.

If I'm having trouble paying bills now, getting extra work which pays me LESS isn't going to do me much good.

I need to pay my taxes soon. I'm not employed by a big company so I'm contracted out and so taxes are harder for me to pay. It makes me sad just thinking about them.

I just bought dog food since I literally had none left and I don't even have enough to pay my rent which is a check I've already given my landlord. Sucks, doesn't it?

Sometimes life is insane. But crazy I know I can do. I've handled it before.

I just wish I could find a job which was perfect for me. And would help me pay bills.

Better

I'm feeling much better today. I think sometimes I just need a little freak out. And then things calm. :)

I'm applying for some new work. Hopefully I get one of the jobs I've applied for. :)

Frustrated

So today I'm frustrated.

1) Tired of being ignored. Again. WHY does no one seem to want to have me around? Who knows.

2) Not sure if I'm going to the Evergreen Conference. Why? Because it hasn't really been helping me. And for Frustration Reason No. 1. Don't want to bug any of the Moho's who ignore me by showing up.

3) I'm financially in the crapper and have been ever since moving downtown.


The silver lining is that I'm searching for other work. Which hopefully will bring in bigger bucks. So we'll see. I am waiting to hear from a job interview which hopefully will help me if its what Heavenly Father wants for me.

Tired of feeling frustrated and ignored.

How I am feeling

I want to be in an Idina-Taye sandwich... For real. Both are amazing.

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

I don't know just where I'm going and tomorrow is a little overwhelming
And the air is cold and I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
for too long now
lost my own reflection
and I can't look down
if you're not there to catch me when I fall

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage
that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
At least its the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause its my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted was to be the light
when your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away

Well, who is to blame? Are we making the right choices?
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be Brave!

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause its my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightning may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid, but its my turn to be Brave!

If this it the last time before we say goodbye,
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid, its my turn to be brave!

Update on the life of a Post-it Lover

Recently I had the opportunity to do something which I kind of wondered if I'd ever do in this lifetime: go through the temple for the first time. It was absolutely incredible. I always describe it to my friends as being overwhelmed spiritually and mentally.

The peace in the temple is absolutely remarkable. I now look forward so much to returning and completing more work for my family.

Getting my recommend was never easy. I had a year of disciplinary council issues, working on overcoming addictive behaviors I'm not proud to admit were ever a part of my life, and working through repentance. However, a few months ago I got my recommend and I promptly set a date for the temple.

Some of my family and friends were able to accompany me.

The Temple made me feel even further that I'm doing the right thing. A lot of readers might not agree especially if they've left the church. However, it's true. Ignore this post if you think I've become indoctrinated into a cult. Because if I'm in a cult, it makes me feel safe and secure... So nothing you say will convince me otherwise.

I love this gospel!

What Ifs...

I was reading a post on the North Star Young Adults list today. It was posted by a member of the list who will soon be leaving... I don't want to name names, because those messages are private. However, the idea behind it was that he never fully accepted his SSA so when things like marriage and becoming a father came up, he took on those responsibilities and has noticed a change in the attractions... somewhat... through his determination to live the gospel.

Sometimes I wonder about all that different "What if..." situations.

What if I had gotten help when I was a teenager and didn't deal with depression and suicidal thoughts? Would I be a different person now...? Maybe married with children?

I am happy with my life but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Will I regret my decision to not get married in 50 years?

I'm getting closer to going through the temple for my own endowments. My bishop said I could get it soon. But I'm moving wards so he doesn't know when the new bishop will approve it. Its my next step though. I know it.