I'm a Work in Progress

Valentine's Day

2012-02-14T04:45:00.000-08:00

I love slash hate Valentine's Day. I think its one of those holidays which is a little annoyingly in your face---especially when there's no special someone in your life. I have one Valentine I'm giving away to someone who IS my Valentine. Since neither of us give Valentines anyway. haha. Its kind of nice to give one to someone I care about though.

There's not a lot of hope for guys in my situation to have a Valentine, though... Guys sticking with the church and swearing off relationships don't get many Valentines. I might not get one this year. And that's okay. But, I kind of wonder how the church keeps saying that everything is the same for gay and straight members---but gay members cannot even hope for that romantic relationship. Unless its with a woman. Or unless they have a nonsexual relationship with someone of the same gender. Or something along those lines.

Sigh.

Hopefully Valentine's Day will go by in a blur. I'm turning 30 in a few months and feel old---And its not quite 6 AM and I'm awake. How sad.

People leaving the church over this...

2012-02-13T08:59:00.000-08:00

I think that this issue of homosexuality within the church, even within active LDS church members, will be a core issue for many leaving the church and seeking refuge elsewhere... I got a message on facebook from a friend of mine who stated that two good friends of theirs---previously strong members---had left the church over this homosexuality issue.

One of my closest friends has left the church. This harms our relationship at times. Its not that easy hearing him speak against the church---I don't think he's an apostate... but I think he's been hurt by the church and church members. He hasn't been able to find the balance between this issue and the church.

I don't know how to resolve people leaving the church. However, I don't think it will ever be resolved through arguments and either side saying "I am right, you are wrong."

Right now, it seems there is a huge debate going on within NorthStar members regarding marriage. Yes, I believe the church is true---because I believe the gospel is true... is every word given by Prophets 100% true? Not necessarily. When they're led by the spirit, yes. However, there are things which are recanted and restated for clarification. The church leaders also speak from their hearts in addition to speaking from the pulpit as a church leader.

I think that attacking another who expresses a differing opinion is just argumentative. It will cause ill-feelings and maybe cause others who think otherwise to say "Hey, if my opinion isn't valid, why am I even here? If the church doesn't agree with my thinking on this, maybe my testimony isn't good enough? Maybe I shouldn't be here?!?!" and cause doubts. Its best, in my opinion, to listen to others' views.

I worry about the future of the church. It seems people are leaving the church in buses full---and a lot of it is over this very issue.

My thoughts

2012-02-09T11:19:00.000-08:00

I have a few ideas of future blog topics to discuss. As I'm on my break from NorthStar, I am going to post my thoughts here. Whoever reads it can read it. However, my discussion right now will be the presumptuousness of the Saints.

1) I believe in the gospel. My faith in the church body as a whole is not strong. However, my faith that the gospel is true IS there. I believe that our Heavenly Father watches over this church. I don't think He always approves of what goes on within church meetings, but He is still our Eternal Father in Heaven.

2) I believe that we are supposed to teach our fellow brothers and sisters about the gospel. Including the importance of families.

3) I believe that we are supposed to also teach our fellow brothers and sisters love and charity. And we should be examples of such.

4) I believe in being respectful of others' beliefs. The church teaches that. We shouldn't shun our neighbors as they're not LDS---we also shouldn't shove Books of Mormon in their hands every time we turn around. I think true missionary work is done by example more than preaching.

5) I think it is presumptuous to think that our beliefs need to filter into every aspect of our geographical culture. Is it right that we say "Marriage is between a man and a woman because those are our beliefs. We should make everyone adhere to the same idea. Regardless of religion or culture"??? I don't know. I don't think so. Why? Because it puts us up on this pride pedestal saying "We're right, you're wrong." There's no harmony between the two groups. Will the small population seeking gay marriage actually infiltrate every corner of society? I doubt it.

6) People have argued that in Utah there is no discrimination because of some anti-discrimination laws. That is simply not true. There is a lot of discrimination. And there is discrimination all over the country.

So that being said... if we are supposed to love our neighbors, show them by example the gospel, want to keep the peace, etc. how can we honestly say "No, you have to abide by OUR rules, even if you don't believe in them...!" ?

I have decided

2012-02-08T06:30:00.001-08:00

I am going to not post for a while in NorthStar. It might be healthier for me while I'm battling all my psyches. I feel like I'm going a little insane right now ... so it might be good for me to focus on my work and other responsibilities, get those cleared up, and then I can think about posting again. I'll maybe read them, but I won't comment.

For those who actually care that I'm there, I thank you. I know I don't always have the views of everyone else. I just think right now, Post-it Boy needs a little break from the religious views of some of the people there. I'm LDS because of my testimony not because I agree with everything taught at church. (I believe doctrine but not theological scare tactics like the things they say about gay marriage---or gay people---or adoptions---or surrogacy or whatever.)

You know that the church is against surrogacy and in-vitro for straight couples too, right? Yep. Its true. Its not against church doctrine. But its not supported by the church. Is it supported by me? 100% Its not going against doctrine, just guidelines in the Bishop's Handbook. I don't think the First Presidency is always inspired by their statements. Other than Bednar, I don't know of any who have had problems with pregnancy and infertility and with how the church leaders are sheltered from a lot of what is happening in the world, it doesn't surprise me they'd have views which are 30 years behind the times. However, another day---another dollar.

I'm not posting on NorthStar for at least a week. Maybe more.

Thought you'd like to know.

So anyway, I'm leaving...

2012-02-07T22:19:00.001-08:00

... or at least thinking about leaving.

That was a line from Next to Normal.

I'm thinking about leaving the Northstar groups. Just for a little while. I'm on the Northstar Facebook group which is like a discussions forum. I feel like I'm the one freak there who says what he thinks which isn't what the group agrees with.

I just have so much frustration inside of me for people who only think of things one way---who don't come up with their own ideas. If someone's whole viewpoint is what is taught from the pulpit, there is no discussion. No learning. Its just sharing the same things. So when I share my views, I'm like the only one there who says these things. Am I the only one who agrees with myself? Maybe. Am I too liberal at times? I don't think so. I thought I was still conservative.

I just get so heated when people say gay men cannot raise children. Or that we have some sort of secret agenda. You know my agenda? I want to be a parent because I love kids. Regardless if they see daddy kissing a man or hugging a guy friend or whatever. Like, give me a break---I don't have an agenda beyond wanting to be a parent. I'm not going to buy my kid "Billy has two daddies" in paperback to make him say gay parents are normal. Its not normal. But it doesn't make me a bad parent! If I was normal, I'd be married in the temple with biological kids of my own. Whats wrong with not being normal? I don't think my kid would be brainwashed by me raising him without a mother---attentive parenting is the key in my book. And the kid I'm getting from Africa would probably die without being adopted. Sure, it could go to a strong LDS home with good values---but I don't see many Mormons sacrificing to adopt these kids. Regardless of gender combination or sexuality of the parent, kids need someone to love and nurture them.

Someone actually told me once "Well, those kids die and go straight to heaven... because they were so young." And I'm like "They weren't even given a chance to learn the basic concepts of love! They died loveless!" How is going straight to heaven a prize after having a horrible life? I dunno. Its ridiculous. Kids need to be given a chance. Regardless if I'm some sort of crazy liberally thinking Mormon who wants to raise a kid without a wife.

Returning to the Northstar topic, I don't think I fit in there. I've been feeling it for weeks. I don't want to get married---far from it... I'm against marriage for most men in this situation. If they find someone and that's what they truly want---so be it. But don't get married because the church tells you to. Get married because YOU want to. If you want to marry a woman, fine---but don't tell me to do it.

I don't believe in the New Warrior Weekends or JIM or whatever is the new popular therapy weekend. I love the church but hate the culture and I'm smack dab in the middle of the culture---I have to avoid it at all costs. Maybe that's psychologically why I don't reach out to my ward. Who knows. The culture is like a plague on this church, honestly. And so many people around me are so cookie cutter and I'm not---I'm a completely different shape from everyone else.

I'd rather live in my current situation which doesn't fit everyone's ideal but kind of works for me. Sure, I don't live all the gospel teachings perfectly. I think I'm doing alright. Just not super strictly.

So I guess I'm just sensitive about it. I have to lie to adopt. And that feeling sucks. I cannot even do it legally in this state because of archaic laws.

I feel like whenever I post, I am almost always going against the norm there.

I just don't seem to fit in there. Honestly. I don't even think I'm that liberally minded. I consider myself conservative most of the time. I just wonder if maybe I need to leave it for a while. Focus on other things. Get my mind together. I'm only friends with a couple people there---real friends anyway... the kind who actually message me to find out how my day is going.

So anyway, I'm leaving... I thought you'd like to know. Or at least thinking about it. Or cutting it back or not voicing my opinions since no one agrees anyway.

What I'm feeling...

2012-02-04T18:56:00.000-08:00

I'm not really happy at now. I feel completely overwhelmed with the stresses of life... having to work, save money, deal with everyone's stresses who are in my life, etc.

I cannot do everything or be everything which people want from me. I realize that. However, I wish that just once I could feel like I was getting a break in life---that things were going really good and I wasn't stressed. Right now, I just feel stress creeping up on me all the time. I'm tired and feel so alone in my struggles.

And yes, I realize that there are others who deal with what I deal with---however, that doesn't offer me much comfort.

It feels exhausting to live like this.

Stress

2012-02-01T23:09:00.001-08:00

I hate stress. Sometimes I wonder if I need to cut back on the stress in my life---working less---to make my life more enjoyable. It might mean pushing back some of my goals but it might be worth it in the long run.

I just want to be a dad so badly right now. I miss being around children. I don't think its asking for much to want to be a father. I'm sure if I was straight, I'd be married with children by now. I guess I just feel a little resentful for those who have children and don't appreciate them the way that I do.

I'm too tired all the time. I think I need a rest.

Confused... and I can see why

2012-02-01T09:17:00.000-08:00

I feel confused right now. I can probably see why---I haven't kept up with my prompting a few weeks ago to seek after spirituality. It is hard for me. I feel like at home I am struggling alone with spirituality---as I don't have a family to be with on a daily basis who appreciates the church. I wish I had that support network.

Right now I feel like I'm in the doldrums. I don't feel myself progressing enough to really feel like I'm moving along. I also don't feel like I'm necessarily moving backwards. Just kind of hanging somewhere in between.

I feel better than a few days ago. Which is good. I just have to keep pushing myself. Someday, I'll have this all figured out.

If anyone has thousands of dollars to pay off my student loans and give me a push with a down payment on a house, please let me know. :) Once I have that house, my plans of fatherhood will come much easier.

Changes in Ward

2012-01-30T08:35:00.000-08:00

We have an entirely new bishopric. Its an exciting bit of change although I loved my old Bishopric. Now I have nothing keeping me in my ward. If I went inactive, no one would notice. If I moved, no one would notice. Seriously. Its depressing. I have one friend and he's just moved in a few months ago---but we're church friends and not everyday friends.

There was a linger longer after church yesterday and I just stood around, eating muffins and milk, and not having anyone to talk to except for the one friend. Who is also a member of the club.

Its so lonely going to my ward. But honestly, I don't know if changing wards would do anything either.

I think I'm feeling a little lost again. I don't know how I can get over this feeling.

Why?

2012-01-28T18:02:00.000-08:00

If the church is true, then why is it that church leaders sometimes have said some very hurtful things in the past?

Any thoughts?

I've been reading about some of the things church leaders have said in the past regarding various groups of people, and it sickens\saddens me. Why did some church leaders say that blacks wouldn't ever get the priesthood? And then others said it would come? Some taught that they were wicked and evil. Others acted so much like their own times, acting like African descended members were less blessed to be "cursed" with their skin.

Now, the church has cleaned up some of what has been said in the past.

However, I cannot help but wonder... how can the church be true when hurtful things like this are said? I believe in the church, but I cannot understand why church leaders would be saying those things if they're supposed to be inspired people called of God.

I often make the joke that I'm the Lorax and I speak for the trees... since I speak for those who have no voice. The Congolese orphans. Gay Mormons. Single members. The abused and downtrodden. So I just find some of the things which church leaders have said to be very offensive and hurtful.

Adoption baby!

2012-01-27T20:40:00.001-08:00

So I'm starting a website soon for adoption fund-raising. I'm mega super excited about it... Going to be selling some craft things made by my mom, I'm going to be publishing a little something for sale (won't reveal it since its not something of major interest to anyone here probably!) and going to be doing a few other things ... selling jams and things.

I'm truly excited about this actually. I feel like I'm making progress.

My mom is all keen on the adoption thing. She's the only family member who currently knows. The others are kind of still in the dark. I'm going to try to pay my mom something for helping. But she is really excited to be able to help actually!

When my son from Africa is adopted---or if I do the surrogacy thing---then she will be the only real Grandma to these kids. And she wants more grandchildren. Even if it is from her same gender attracted unmarried son who is getting some from around the globe. lol... A grandma isn't picky!

You're not alone, cause you're here with me...

2012-01-16T22:17:00.000-08:00

Last night I felt incredibly alone. I also was able to finally acknowledge the pride and rebellious nature my heart sometimes leans towards. Honestly, it is not something I really noticed officially... I kind of knew it was there, and maybe I'd half-heartedly take note of... but, it wasn't a full head-on approach to my sometimes negative attitude.

Church isn't easy for me to go to alone. I feel really bad when I'm alone. I don't like feeling that way. I'm not a social butterfly, but I AM a social person. At least sometimes.

So I guess my already at times negative attitude about the church kind of spiraled, making it worse and worse... and my rebellious nature got in the way... so even when people on NorthStar tried offering me advice about ways to become more spiritual, I just basically fought it and said it wasn't worth it. Or that the advice wasn't good enough. In general, the advice I got was to PRAY, read the SCRIPTURES, and basics like that. Why was I being so negative about those things?

Last night when I was lying in bed, the slight breathing of both my roommate and my dog being all that I heard, I kind of said a little prayer... and I started to cry... It wasn't that I was feeling a huge outpouring of love or the Holy Ghost. It was finally an acknowledgment that I wasn't doing what I need to be doing. I wasn't following the church's teachings. I wasn't reading the scriptures, trying my hardest... I was just kind of existing. And being negative, hard-hearted...

I kind of felt like I needed to do something about it---and the thought came to ask a friend if he'd want to do like an FHE with him, his wife and I. I've never done something like that before and thought it was weird and almost didn't ask... When I wrote to him, I was just like... unable to control my emotions. It was so powerful that I finally realized how rebellious I was. How unkind I am at times. How I sometimes play devil's advocate just to push someone's buttons. Or how mean spirited I can be with LDS cultural things... all of these things were taking the spirit from my life. Combined with a rebellious attitude of not wanting to read the scriptures for guidance... well, its pretty bad.

My friend agreed quickly and we had a first FHE activity tonight. The lesson was really good for me---since it talked about the Light of Christ, a topic I've heard talked about before but hadn't thought of it in that way... and I realized something:

I've kind of hardened Christ out of my life.

Its like, unknowingly I've turned my back on Him a little. I've thought I was alone all this time, but I really haven't been. The only reason I've felt alone is because I've put myself there.

After chatting with my friend last night, I had a long prayer and I went to sleep feeling weakened from this sudden epiphany of my rebelliousness... I will not lie and say that there were angels who visited me, an outpouring of the Spirit so strong that it curled my hair, or something along those lines. But maybe a little crack in my hardened soul was placed. Just enough to let a little Light in.

I told my friend, and I tell all of you readers: I will never be a fan of LDS culture. You won't see me buying the Book of Mormon action figures for my future mixed-race Indian and African babies. UNLESS he or she asks for it. You won't see me playing LDS hymns on my car stereo. My future daughter(s) will not be wearing denim jumper dresses. And my son(s) won't have boring ties on Sunday. I won't be playing Passage to Zarahemla... I still hate tons of Utah and LDS cultural things.

BUT, while I won't like those things. That does not mean I will dislike the Gospel. Christ should be a larger part of my life. And I'm going to work on that.

When you're alone...

2012-01-15T21:40:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel like I'm all alone with the church.

Sometimes I feel like I don't have anywhere to turn to.

I stopped praying more than once a week a long time ago.

I don't read the scriptures much.

And I'm unhappy and feel desperately, hopelessly, alone.

I think that my first two sentences are a reflection and result of my second two sentences. I don't know why I am so hurt sometimes by the church. Why is it that the church has to make statements which make me feel small and worthless? Why do I interpret them that way?

I just wish I felt something---anything---instead of feeling alone.

I need to try my best to at least say prayers sometimes. And read the scriptures sometimes. And I need to stop being so rebellious at heart with things from LDS culture and the gospel. I will probably never be a fan of LDS cultural things... You'll never see me rocking out to the Osmonds. But maybe, just maybe, there's hope for this rebellious heart.

Randomly written Thoughts

2012-01-15T19:38:00.000-08:00

Today I went to Sacrament Meeting and sat in the hallwayand the whole time I kind of wished I was in a different ward. Then I walked into the Chapel and saw dozens of new faces and wondered "Why don't I try to be friends with these people?"

Maybe I don't try.

I had a great time over Christmas. I told my mom about my plans for adoption and she is supportive. She is actually kind of excited about it, I think. I told her about the Congo and she ended up reading some of my literature I'd brought with me about it. I told her "You know I have always loved black babies..." And then she admitted she always loved dark babies. We are so alike at times. haha.

She said she'd support my decision and that she thinks people in the family will warm up to it eventually.

This weekend I went house hunting. It was actually really nice. I'm not READY to buy a house, but I am looking into getting a house maybe in a year. It would be GREAT to have a house in a year. Seriously, GREAT. We'll see if it happens. Tired of living in a place which I don't own. Tired of living in a place which is just like someone else's house which I'm paying rent for. I'd like to have my own place.

I saw homes built by Ivory Homes. And a few other construction places. It was actually quite nice although I'm not sure if I will be getting a brand new home or something which is already built. Kind of leaning on the latter since I'd rather have a brand-new home when my brother builds it. It would be more of a project which I could work on. I'm excited to ultimately HAVE a house. Regardless of its brand new or used status.

The LDS church has come out strongly against gay marriage recently. Even saying in a letter published by the church that legalizing gay marriage will then require adoption agencies to give children to gay married couples. And the whole time I was thinking "Yes... and?"

Why would I be a worse parent than a straight man? or a straight couple? Am I so inherently bad that I couldn't possibly raise a child normally? Its kind of sad to me.

I'm just going to raise my children my own way. And to hell with what church members think. I'm not doing anything wrong. In fact, I feel I am being guided to do this. If people knew what I've had to sacrifice, what I've been through to reach who I am today, then I think they'd understand.

Living the "Lifestyle" and other assumptive molds...

2011-12-19T18:19:00.000-08:00

I think that I am guilty of this at times... but I am trying not to be.

Many of us use the phrase the "Gay Lifestyle" or the "Gay Life"... but what does it mean?

If I am gay, homosexual, SGA, etc. I'm still attracted to members of my own gender. Regardless of what I do with those feelings, I'm still attracted to men. I don't have to be romantically linked to anyone. I don't have to be doing anything I don't want to do.

Why do we differentiate so much between those who are celibate by choice or those who are sexually active? What if someone has left the church but still isn't sexually active? What about those still going to church but who are sexually active? Who fits into what category?

Sometimes I wonder, like Dumbledore, if we sort people into categories too early.

I know what people are meaning when they say the "gay lifestyle." But to the world and the church body at large, it doesn't matter. Someday, I plan on having a baby and raising him or her... and to the church community, I'll just be a gay man with a baby. And yes, I'll be going to church. But I'll still be a freak. Some members will assume I'm divorced. Some will think I'm recently widowed. Some will question my motivations for going to church. Some will wonder where my wife is. I won't fit into their very narrow mindset of appropriate or normal behavior. They won't be able to categorize me completely. I won't fit a mold. So I wonder... SHOULD we even be fitting people into molds in the first place? Are we guilty of saying someone is living a certain lifestyle when he or she might just be living their LIFE?

Do we, in our haste, put people into a category?

I guess I am living the gay lifestyle. Since I am homosexually minded. But that doesn't mean I'm sexually active. It just means my lifestyle includes gay aspects. I love Orlando Bloom movies for many reasons besides the fact they're fun. (He's SO gorgeous!) I like GQ. I like sewing and decorating. I like wearing pocket squares. These are aspects of a gay lifestyle.

So where do I fit into the categories we're so quick to put people in?

Am I mean?

2011-12-14T21:11:00.000-08:00

I sometimes wonder if I come across as mean when I express my opinions. I've said in the past that JiM sounds like a cult. Well, to me it DOES. I've read the articles about what goes on there, and maybe it helps people. But to me, it sounds like a Cult. All full of secrets. And from what I gather, its like group therapy sessions and holding and all sorts of things which don't sound too appealing. Now maybe they really do help people embrace their masculinity.

However, I don't think I need to embrace my masculinity. I'm glad I have a penis. And I'm proud of my metrosexuality. I like wearing pocket squares and I think I might start rocking a bow-tie.

So am I mean for saying that I think those weekends sound like a cult? I dunno. I just think I'm expressing an opinion.

I'm vocal with opinions. Does that make me mean or just honest? Personally, I kind of think more people agree with my opinions than will admit it since I just speak whats in my head.

In other news, I met with a financial counselor and he thinks I might be able to get into a house within a year. Which would be awesome.

Why not me?

2011-12-13T19:14:00.000-08:00

So I see everyone with babies and families... homes and newer cars... and I think "Why not me?"

Well, its going to be me. I'm not giving up. I've got my four-part plan. In order for me to get it, I have to remain positive, upbeat, and keep fighting.

Fixing

2011-12-07T07:58:00.000-08:00

I don't follow politics but I saw a clip of a little boy who approached Michelle Bachman and said "My mommy's gay but she doesn't need fixing!" And its kind of a funny thought to me...

To me, in a way, if we were supposed to be changed there would be an obvious course of action to be placed on us. If changing our orientation was a requirement, there'd be some direction as to a course of treatment... Psychologists have used shock therapies, hypnosis, etc. to work on changing attractions. I went to a cognitive therapist who helped me realize I COULD be married and have sexual activity with a woman, if I wanted to.

However, to me, there isn't a clear direction. Science has multiple studies with various opposing results. Psychologists have the same. Church leaders say whatever they think which is a mix of the above, and I don't believe always divinely inspired.

Which leads me to this: Its all a state of confusion. Honestly. No one knows what causes homosexual attractions definitively. From what I can see, something inborn might be the cause... might not be genetics. Might not be neural. Might just be some quirk. Or maybe it is a learned behavior---we're called gay growing up by our peers and the bullies, so we accept it. I dunno.

To me, it doesn't matter what causes it. The whole point is we need to choose HOW WE WILL DEAL WITH IT. And that is a very personal desire. We can listen to church leaders, we can listen to community leaders, we can listen to friends, family, the internet, read books about it, etc. but it all comes down to one thing:

How do YOU want to handle it?

I support everyone in their decision, whether they want to stick to the church route or to the non-church route. Either way can bring happiness. However, the one thing I say, and I repeat it... if you CHOOSE YOUR ROUTE... because it is the choice you make which you believe will give you the joy and peace of your attractions... if you make THAT CHOICE for yourself with no influence from trying to please family or church leaders but fully on your own, then you have to stop belly-aching and deal with it. It was your choice. So if you decide to leave the church, don't just sit around complaining about the church---go and live your life. If you decide to stay in the church, don't cry that you aren't sexually active. It was YOUR CHOICE which put you there. You have a myriad of choices. So choose and deal with the consequences.

Hurt

2011-12-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

Adoption will not be straight forward in Utah. Got an email from an agency who told me about how there was a law against homosexuals adopting in Utah. Only way for me to do it is to claim to be heterosexual and convince all the social workers who will dig into my past.

Sometimes I think the surrogacy route would be easiest. My fund raising would still go towards the same end benefit: having a child. However, it saddens me that Utah wouldn't allow me as a tax-paying citizen to adopt easily and honestly.

I'll be okay. I'll figure something out.

Why? ... and goal confusion

2011-12-05T14:14:00.001-08:00

I think that religion is a very good thing overall. Is it perfect? No. Are people of any religion always 100% accepting and loving? No.

However, religion nor the lack thereof isn't proof of one's spirituality or godlessness. Some people are religious and moral but do not go to church at all. There are plenty of bad people who hide behind a shroud of religion to cover up their errors and issues. Neither are the correct route in my opinion.

I'm a supporter of people living in a way which is beneficial to themselves and others around them. Regardless of their religious beliefs. A lot of homosexuals are turned off by religious groups entirely and become atheist. Maybe that is partially with how homosexuals have been treated by the vast majority of religious groups or individuals? That would be my guess.

I think that part of the problem with why these two groups don't live in harmony with each other is a misinterpretation of each others' goals.

Misbelief: All Christians are haters.
More Accurate Belief: Not all Christians are haters. Nor do all Christians think of themselves as anti-homosexual. Some groups are taking longer than others to get onto the bandwagon of acceptance and love. A homosexual labeling a Christian (whether LDS or not) as being a hateful bigot is as bad as a Christian saying that a homosexual is eternally damned or that they're living a Godless life. Neither are promoting the acceptance or discussion with each other about beliefs to create a better understanding. In fact, if someone said to me "You're a Mormon... therefore I don't want to talk to you" despite not knowing me personally, it would be very offensive. Much like if someone saw me, and said "I can tell you're gay, therefore you're gross!" In neither group is there any better understanding. Labeling an individual after the judgment of an entire group is unethical and wrong.

Misbelief: All Homosexuals are trying to change society for the worse by pushing their beliefs and wanting society to accept them.
More Accurate Belief: OF COURSE Homosexuals want to change society---but whether its for the worse or the betterment of the community is up to interpretation. Homosexuals have been treated badly for years and years... SIMILAR TO HOW CHRISTIANS HAVE BEEN TREATED! Shouldn't we be more sympathetic to each other's causes if we've had similar histories? Until recently, Homosexuals were jailed and in some countries put to death. Christians have had similar histories. Mormons were legally allowed to be killed in Missouri after the government allowed their extermination. Hitler specifically targeted homosexuals and killed thousands of them in the holocaust---even people simply associating with homosexuals. In England, it was considered against the law. Even in someone's personal private home, it was against the law and punishable by prison sentences. SO why wouldn't a group want to fight for more acceptance? Is it that bad to want to be treated like a human being? Sure---some homosexual groups write children's books about children having two daddies or two mommies. So they're "indoctrinating" a younger generation. This is a common fear of Christian populations. However, just like a Sesame Street Character in Africa who is HIV Positive, it is a tool being used to stop hatred and promote understanding. NOT to turn kids gay or push them to get AIDS through unprotected sexual encounters.

I think that if the gay and Christian communities sat down and didn't have a heated debate, there might be some more cultural ground for similarities than we're currently allowing. Maybe we'd find a way to be friends instead of bitter enemies.

And for people like me who are actively LDS and find themselves with homosexual tendencies, we would have a better place in a society where both groups can embrace each other.

Why?

2011-12-04T23:06:00.000-08:00

My last post got a comment about why I would still want to be a part of the LDS church organization. My answer is simple enough: Its because I have faith that its true.

I realize that explanation is silly and makes me sound naive. I say this with full knowledge that some will consider me completely out of my mind. I've documented my blog for the last few years, with only occasional posts until more recently when I've gotten back into writing my blog.

If you read from the beginning, you can see a change in my perspective. I've become less strict, less depressed, more open and realistic. Am I going to be the "new gay"---? I'm not sure if the next generation of gay men will think more like I do. As I see more and more of my friends leave the church, its a little disheartening... If I didn't have a testimony anymore, I wouldn't be here writing. I'd be off living my life. And I AM living my life. And most of the time, I'm happy with my life---I'm happy with my decision to stay in the church.

Some people talk about all the unpleasantness from living in Utah and a heavily LDS environment---and I see what they're saying. However, I don't have as many negative experiences. I'm usually just doing my own thing. If I am surrounded by negative people, I get out of that group---or, I confront them and bash 'em. Whichever is easiest. :)

The gospel bothers me far less than LDS culture. However, most of the LDS culture I'm completely separated from. I go to work, come home, do my life here, etc. I'm rarely if ever surrounded by LDS people. My roommates are both inactive. Most of my friends are LDS but I don't see my friends too often. (I'm wildly unpopular and unlikeable. haha. Actually, I'm a workaholic.)

So most of the time, its just me living my quiet life. Even if I was out of the church, I'd probably continue living my little quiet life. There'd be little difference since I don't hold a lot of animosity towards the church. Nor do I hold much of any inner conflict or turmoil.

I've made my decision to remain LDS because of my faith. I'm strong enough not to give up, humble enough to accept my fate, and wise enough not to take crap from anyone.

Did I just say crap in my version of a gay Mormon blogger testimony?

Broken Vases and Change Therapies

2011-12-03T19:33:00.000-08:00

I was speaking with a new-but-true friend Mitch Mayne tonight. He's kind of become established for his controversial (to some) but awesome calling in his ward. (His blog is: http://www.mitchmayne.blogspot.com/ )

The following is an expansion on an email I wrote to him, where in our usual banter were discussing some of the change therapy issues within our gay-moho-ssa Mormon community.

Before I say this, I will say that I love the organizations which are working with members of our community in healthy ways. I am indebted to groups like Evergreen and David Pruden for first teaching me that I can remain in the church with my attractions. I don't go to the Conferences anymore because I feel like I don't continue to gain anything. They helped me in a time when I needed it, and I support them in their purposes.

I think some people think there's something 'wrong with us.' Like, we're something which needs correction because there is something obviously and fundamentally different with us which needs fixing.

I don't think that I liked very much spending years of my life thinking there was something wrong witg me... I used to describe myself as a broken vase. Just have to hide the crack against the wall---no one will notice it. Fill the broken vase with pretty silk flowers, no one will notice the chips.

After years of soul searching, learning, talking with friends, I realize I am not broken. I realize that I have so much to offer the world--I am a good listener. Post-it Boy likes offering advice to friends who need a listening ear. My cooking skills are rather good and I love to bring cookies, cupcakes, muffins, and such with me to share with my coworkers. Some say my cubicle is a mini-bakery. I am a good friend. A dang good brother. And I'm going to be one HECK of a father someday to some lucky children. (And I will be, in turn, very lucky for those children who will be gifted to me.) I am not a broken vase---just a vase. Beautiful and simple in itself. No corrections necessary. I don't need to have my crack against the wall.

That last line sounded better in my head than in actual text.

Maybe instead of fixing our sexuality, we need to fix those areas which aren't working: Are you depressed? Lonely? Angry? Suicidal? THOSE things need correction. Our sexual attractions make us partially who we are in addition to a myriad of other wonderful, beautiful things.

I think a lot of gay men in the church do think they're broken vases which need correcting. Its not fun thinking there's something which has to be fixed or changed. But maybe the non-gay world wants to find a way for us to be fixed and changed so we're "normal"... Then, no more cracked vases. Easy as pie.

Is it really that bad?

2011-12-02T08:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I hear people complaining about their sexuality... an attitude which seems to have really perpetuated in the LDS Moho community.

Person a: "Oh, life is such a challenge... here are all of my challenges"
Person b: "Well, you think that is bad... My father did this... and I never had fun as a child.
Person a: "Oh, thats horrible! But it is not as bad as me..."

And the conversation continues. People don't know how to appreciate their attractions.

Here's my challenge to you:

Write down the top 10 things you want to do in life. They could be silly things like learning how to cook thai food. Or important things like... buy a house, build a cabin, etc.

The thing which is necessary is that they have to be REAL things. Don't write "Be a good person" since that is so subjective. Write things you want to be able to accomplish. And the things you want to do in life HAVE TO BE THINGS YOUR HEART TRULY WANTS!

I know cooking thai food might sound silly, but if it is something which interests you... write it down! If traveling to Kazakhistan has been a dream of yours since you were little, write it down! Seriously. I want everyone to write down ten things.

And guess what? Probably none of them will be impossible due to your attractions. Even if you wrote "Get married and have a bunch of kids!" Not impossible. You'd just have to find the right woman. And most women would love a good gay husband. Seriously. Most of my female friends say "I wish my gay friends were straight enough to have sex with me because they're the best companions..."

So if the top ten things you want to do in life which are your most heartfelt, most desired things to accomplish are ALL possible: WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING? Sure, crap happens all the time---sure, you're lonely sometimes... but everyone is! So get up off your lazy butt and stop complaining. Find something to be happy about.

Confessions and cookie making...

2011-11-28T19:24:00.000-08:00

Tonight I made cookies at home and decorated them with icing. Why? Because I was in a festive mood and I'll bring a tray of them to work tomorrow. As I sat and iced the last of my gingerbread men, I thought "These guys are pretty hot..."

Kidding... Just seeing if you're paying attention.

I thought to myself "This is the kind of thing I think kids should be doing!" It made me think of the children who go to sleep on concrete floors, in dirt, who don't have a mother or father who will hug them, kiss them, love them... and who don't have Christmas cookies to look forward to.

Every child should get a chance to make cookies with a loving parent.

Someday archaic places like Utah will realize that single parents, especially men, are potential love-givers and fully capable of helping a child reach his or her full potential. I don't even know women who can bake and cook as well as I can.

More confessions... I'm kind of wondering if I need to start preparing myself now for being a father by maybe trying to get more spiritually in-tune. Its hard when I feel lonely reading the scriptures by myself, go to church by myself, and pray alone. To me, those activities should be done as a family.

Confessions

2011-11-27T00:16:00.001-08:00

I haven't prayed in a long time. Longer than I care to admit. I don't feel the spirit very much anymore even when I go to church. Maybe its my own fault for not praying or reading the scriptures like I should.

Right now, I feel hurt and abandoned.

Maybe I have no right to feel that way because maybe I'm the one who has cut himself off from God. My lack of faith right now is a culmination of a lot of things. I still have a testimony, but I don't have the faith enough to get out of this rut.

I don't like where I'm at in life. Today I sat at home feeling so tired and sick... but I'm not sure if its a physical sickness or just an exhaustion from all that I have in life. I wonder if I'll ever be able to meet my goals. And if I do, will it be worth all the hassles?

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so alone. Sometimes I wish I'd get someone who'd stop by the apartment just to say hello.

Or maybe feel like... despite all that I've had going on in life, that my Heavenly Father is watching over me. I don't feel his presence around me anymore. Maybe that's why I feel so empty and alone.

My Mom

2011-11-25T23:07:00.000-08:00

Recently my mom needed to go on a trip to see her sister but didn't have the money to pay for the ticket: I called her and despite her stubborn insistence I not do it, I bought her the plane ticket.

Today she sent me a text message saying she realizes how important it really was. Only one other sibling had attempted the same idea. And I, being one of the poorest, bought the plane ticket. I didn't tell her that it took half of the money in my bank account. Nor did I tell her that I had planned on using that money to make an extra loan payment to get rid of more of my debt. If I had, she'd have refused the help.

I did that because my mom is one of my favorite people in the world. I've not been able to really show her that before. I knew my mom needed the help, even if she wouldn't admit to it, so I bought the ticket for her.

I remember a few years ago watching Desperate Housewives when Bree abandoned her gay son Andrew on the side of the road. Yes, I'm old-school gay enough to remember names and story lines from past seasons of this show.

It had been about 2-3 years since I'd told my parents about my attractions when the episode aired. I remember feeling like, when I told them, that I'd also be abandoned at the side of the road. Later, I told my mom on Mother's day about this episode and how everyone believes that Bree is this perfect housewife, cook, mother, and neighbor. I told my mom I'd never trade her for Bree. Because even with these perfect qualities, she had trouble accepting her son. My mom... never even saw the clues leading up to it, so when I told her, she was blind-sided!

I would never ever trade my mom for another make or model. :)

So it is for this reason that it kind of pains me to say that while I feel comfortable telling my mom stories about my first kiss, crushes I have on celebrities (a few times I've blurted something out when its just she and I!) and my frustrations with working for an environment with a hostile coworker... I don't feel comfortable talking to her about my family and baby plans.

My mom has already said in the past she'd accept any grandchild who came into this family, regardless of how that child entered it. However, that was years ago when I think she still imagined I'd find a Miss Right and go through the whole temple marriage and having a baby route.

Reactions so far to my adoption and surrogacy plans have been mixed. I've had the "you're going to be excommunicated" discussion. I've even had the "every baby needs a father and mother" speech. I've also had the opposite side of: "You'd be an amazing mother slash father to a baby!"

With all of these varied responses, you'd think it would be simpler to say "Mom, I'm going to have a baby..."

Somehow, its too hard for me. I don't know how I'd take her disapproval.

Saving our Own first?

2011-11-25T17:22:00.000-08:00

I've seen the arguments people face single parents looking to start a family through adoption: we should "Save our Own" first.

Meaning, we should adopt from within the USA before going elsewhere.

I can see the logic there. Its important to adopt children from within the Foster Care system within our own country. Its also important to provide homes for children in developing nations who otherwise wouldn't have a home. Which is better? Its hard to say. I think each case is genuinely personal.

If I decide to adopt from the Congo and bring in a child who would likely die without my help, is this a stronger pull than adopting a child from the foster care system in the states who otherwise might not be adopted?

I kind of think so. There are more people adopting children in the USA than in other developing countries. If I was in a position to adopt a child in the USA, I would do it! Sadly, thats not a real possibility for here in Utah since I'm still navigating and learning about the process here. Its sad and unfortunate but some of the rules in Utah are a bit biased and unfair. Favoring typical families to an atypical one.

However, I've had a few people say to me that adopting from outside the USA is selfish and I should be more patriotic and adopt from within. And then I remind them that the purpose of doing this is also to provide a home for a child who wouldn't have one... regardless of where the child is coming from, that child is going to get a home with me if I'm ever given an opportunity.

Amazing...

2011-11-21T23:01:00.000-08:00

When I talked to a friend about adopting from Africa, the response was "But it would be a black baby..." as if this was a definitive "Oh wow!" moment...

Of course I know it would be a black baby.

Does it make a difference?

I will never understand people's inability to accept and love someone. Especially a child. Sure, I might be white, but that doesn't mean a dark skinned baby would never accept me as his father. In fact, he probably wouldn't even notice his skin color difference for a while. Children are accepting that way.

I just don't understand it. Where does this feeling of someone being inferior or unequal come from? Thank you Puritan fathers!

I've emailed someone...

2011-11-20T21:55:00.000-08:00

... Emailed an adoptions specialist here in Utah about the feasibility of being single and adopting here. Technically, from what I've read in the laws, it appears POSSIBLE although I would have to be living in a home without any other unmarried individuals. Once the adoption was finalized completely, then I could have roommates again if necessary.

I want to know what the logistics would be.

I've actually kind of fallen in love with the idea of adopting from the Congo. The country has millions upon millions of orphans. Some babies are found abandoned in garbage dumps, others turned over to orphanages by living parents who cannot afford them, and others are left orphaned by wars and battles killing entire villages. The place seems very dangerous.

And so I've kind of decided to make it a mission to change one child's life by adopting from there if I can. It costs about 20,000 to adopt a child from the Congo. There is a tax credit which is allowed which would help cover potentially a little over half of that amount---But I think the knowledge that I'd probably be saving a child's life would make it well worth the expense.

Some of the babies I was reading about have had to sleep in cardboard boxes.

If I am ever able to adopt a baby from there, I will do so. And I will try to better the lives of other orphans there.

In order to adopt, one would need to go to the Congo to bring the baby or child home. What if there was a way to bring supplies into the orphanage at the same time? Even a suitcase full of vitamins would probably end up saving lives. Or baby blankets and clothes. I'd probably bring a full suitcase and leave with an empty one. Along with a baby of my own. Formula is one of the hardest things for them to get a hold of, from what I hear.

I wonder if there's something I could do. I really don't know...

Celebrities haven't begun making it popular to adopt from the Congo. So there's not been a big kick in the popularity of the country.

I spoke with an agency in Colorado who would help me adopt from the Congo if I had an approved homestudy. So if I get a homestudy done in Utah, by overcoming the challenges of being a single male here, then I can adopt from there.

Oddly enough, the Congo has a rule about adoptions: Although they don't have post-placement interviews, they keep track of the adoptees for two years in order for the orphanages and agencies to show the government the need to make adoptions of babies and children more prominent. With about 5 million orphans, it is a real need.

So now besides the surrogacy, I have another plan in mind.

Adoption in Utah

2011-11-16T16:36:00.000-08:00

I've brought this up recently... and its something which I'm still struggling with.

Why are people so opposed to single-parent adoption? Or to homosexuals adopting?

In my case, I'm an unmarried same-gender attracted guy... But I don't even think of myself as SGA. I think of myself as simply "Post-it Boy"---although I use my own name and not my online identity---

I love children. I had a rough childhood at times and I'd like to fix that for another child... giving a wonderful childhood and growing-up experience. Allowing a child to live a life which I never had. I'm working on building a successful career, saving for a house, and I have a dog. What more could a kid want?

So why in the legal perspective am I unfit to be a father in the state of Utah?

With all my good qualifications leading me to potentially be a wonderful parent and father, why is one---my sexuality---which is not even a large part of my life... where I'm not sexually active... the ONLY thing which is then seen by potential child service workers who would be evaluating my abilities to parent?

"So Post it Boy, you are active in your church... have a stable career... have a loving and supportive family... BUT you like how Orlando Bloom looks in a wet t-shirt so therefore, sorry!"

I mean, come on! What person wouldn't like Orlando Bloom? :)

Anyway, I just don't understand it. Why would ONE quality of mine which is minor and rather insignificant to raising a child be the determining factor? Especially when there are people out there who abuse and don't love their children. Or people who get drunk---their children aren't necessarily taken away even though, to me, drinking is worse than sexuality since even if I WAS sexually active, its not like that would affect my raising a child. Being drunk and hitting a kid? It WOULD affect the raising of a child.

It just boggles my mind. Laws need to change!

Sometimes...

2011-11-15T16:51:00.000-08:00

... Sometimes I wish that I was skinnier, until I realize that I am pretty normal and beautiful just like I am. In my own way. :)

... Sometimes I wish I was heterosexual, in a sense, but that I was born that way... because I don't like the idea of my attractions changing. It would be uncomfortable. But then I realize that I would lose out on all the amazing things that my attractions have taught me.

... Sometimes I wish I was more popular and had more people writing to me, calling me, texting me, etc. But then I realize that I have to rely on myself more. And I realized that is a good thing. Post-it Boy can always count on being present with himself.

... Sometimes I wish that adoption in Utah was easier. But then I realize that with all my challenges to get a child, that baby will be more loved than any child has ever had. No one will ever be able to take away my baby since I will be its biological father. Take that Utah!

... Sometimes I wish I didn't have to work so hard. But then I realize that working hard will help me achieve my goals. A means to an end.

... Sometimes I wish that more children around the world had homes. Even a home with one father is better than none.

... But I'm always glad I am me. With all my flaws. :)

Do you have wishes? Do you ever think that challenges sometimes teach us a lot more than we realize?

Acceptance

2011-11-14T07:23:00.000-08:00

Those who are attracted to members of the less fair sex---namely mohos, homosexuals, etc.---have issues of finding acceptance from our culture, ourselves, community and even from our Heavenly side of the family. Why is this?

As a child, I never felt like I fit in exactly. I was always different. Regardless of the reasons behind this, it was how I felt. I never felt like I fit in completely. I was always an outcast: I loved to read during lunch while the kids in my class liked to play sports and do things of a more social nature. I don't regret reading as much as I did, since I still love to read. I became smarter because of it. And it developed my love of writing.

However, it was a strange passion to be involved with as a child. I wasn't accepted for it--in fact, I was ridiculed.

As a teenager, I never felt popular and accepted. Although some said I was well-liked by my peers. I just wasn't popular in my mind. I had friends who were jocks, drama club nerds, artists, goths, freaks, Latinos (in my school, they were a seperate distinction since I grew up in a very multi-cultural area!) and even the Born-Again-Christians and nerds were counted amongst my friends.

In college, I gradually became less shy and more sociable and when I was at my first college had lots of friends. When I transferred, I had fewer but still managed to have fun sometimes.

I went through therapy and learned to---hate to say the cliche---to love myself. I accepted my attractions for the first time in my life and realized I wasn't a scourge of the earth.

Sadly, no one had ever told me my worth as a child. No one ever told me of my inner goodness or virtue. Or endless possibilities.

I sometimes am still plagued by a resentment about my attractions: Without them, I'd be a different person. Maybe not better, maybe not worse. But different. I'd be married with children by now.

And, it sometimes is hard to feel loved by our Heavenly family as we don't feel like we belong even to our earthly one.

When we accept ourselves, with all our faults and flaws, positives and rewarding, without condition or shame... THAT is when we'll be who we've always wanted to be.

Is it really right for me?

2011-11-11T14:58:00.000-08:00

I have been going back and forth with my activity in NorthStar and Evergreen type activities and involvement... I don't know if its right for me. Or if I would be better off just fading away from all of that. I took a break for a long time and then got recently re-involved and now I'm wondering if its necessary or what...

I don't feel like I ever really fit in no matter where I am. For those friends who know about my future family plans, they think of me as a nice Mormon guy who is wanting to start a family... but adamantly opposed to marriage. (Interesting combination! I'm a unique blend of ironies...)

And some of my friends who do know about my plans have already freaked out on me to the point I am fearful of discussing them anymore openly. Hence why I have resigned myself to mostly discussing it with non-LDS friends (who are all supportive, btw!) and my blog audience.

So really in the NS and EG community, I don't feel like I fit in either since most of the people in those communities will tell me that my future plans aren't right. Or against the church. Or something along those lines. And I'd rather find people who would accept my decision and be willing to talk about it with me---maybe find a place I belong better.

However, as I said, I never feel like I belong. :(

Natural curls... ?

2011-11-10T00:09:00.000-08:00

In Jane Eyre, a young child is criticized for having naturally curly hair---she was seen as vain and punished despite her not choosing to have hair which was like that.

I didn't choose to be with these attractions. I realize that I don't need to act on them... but why is it that I am punished in this life, feeling like an outsider, when I didn't choose this? Do I always have to live my life as if I am looking into a world through a partition or barrier?

I sometimes wish that I'd been born differently... I don't want to "change" how I am now since I'm used to my attractions and have grown accustomed to them. However, I sometimes wish I'd been born differently so that I would have a more normal life---or at least a next to normal sort of life... If my attractions were not there, I would probably be married with children by now. And I'd have served a mission as I wouldn't have had depression, and I would be living a more typical LDS life...

And I wouldn't be an outsider looking in.

Why would Heavenly Father put me in a position where having children will be so difficult when this is one of the strongest desires of my heart?

Before you read...

2011-11-08T07:20:00.000-08:00

... know that I do have a testimony. If I didn't, I wouldn't be blogging at all. I'd be living my life without worrying about my future and the next life and all that jazz.

However, I will state that recently I've been getting emails and seeing blog posts which are excessively preachy. Almost hell-fire and damnation type posts. I won't say that it is wrong for someone to do so, however, it is an annoyance. There's no conversation or growth or development with those posts.

For example, let's say you're having a conversation with someone on ethics or morality... and then someone says a finite statement like "But thats not what the Lord would want... " and then starts quoting scriptures, it is kind of frustrating. I don't usually enter conversations to get one of the gospel Missionary discussions. I am, in fact, already LDS and don't need to hear it.

But if there's a conversation where different ideas are being bounced around in order to help people think and grow and consider other ideas---all within gospel settings of appropriateness... why do some have the need to preach? I don't get it.

I guess I never got into the missionary zeal as I never served a mission so I tend to keep my testimony to myself and to those who observe my life and can SEE I live the standards---not necessarily having to shove it down anyone's throats.

I usually have gospel related discussions where doctrine are discussed---and then other kinds of conversations where the world can be discussed in a frank and open manner in order to help people to grow. There's a TON of same gender attracted people out there who leave the church for one reason or another. What do we do with these types of people? Throw them scriptures every time they talk to us, or do we accept and love them as fellow human beings without excluding them by making them feel worthless for not living up to very difficult standards?

I personally would rather show someone how to live the gospel standards, have SSA feelings, and live happily than preach to them about it.

Therapies

2011-11-06T13:42:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I know a topic on everyone's mind... or at least on my mind... is the whole reparative therapy\conversion therapy ideas so present on the blogosphere.

I personally do not choose to go to therapy groups anymore. For a variety of reasons. I love and support organizations like NorthStar and Evergreen. However, I don't go to their meetings anymore... I don't do group therapies, one-on-one therapies, etc. anymore.

Why?

Because after progressing as far as I could with them, they didn't help anymore. In fact, they just made me feel stagnant more than anything. I wasn't gaining anything from attending the Matis firesides except a hug from Brother and Sister Matis who I still love and wish the best for---the church needs to clone them for future generations---Firesides weren't as beneficial as they once were. I felt ignored at them. And that is hard for me. I'm not very popular and not well-known in the SSA community necessarily. I'm a social retard but I've discussed this numerous times in the past.

Continuing on... I don't disagree with people who want to change their sexuality. I applaud them for it. Its a difficult challenge and you'll be pressured and ridiculed by many for it.

Others don't want to change their sexuality but want to "add" more heterosexual feelings to their life. Being added upon is a phrase we use a lot in the LDS community.

Trouble is... I want neither.

I had someone who I thought I wanted to spend the rest of my life with---but her goals and aspirations were different from my own. Only woman I'd ever marry in this life. And now she's married with a baby, so no chance there. She is, and I have said it before, the best woman I've ever known. A few people in the SSA community kind of led to the end of my relationship with her but that's besides the point. And I don't believe it was intentional.

I don't want heterosexual feelings added onto me. I don't want to get married. Honestly. I thought I did once but now after a lot of soul-searching its one of the last of my life's to-do's. If Heavenly Father had desired that of me, He'd have given me different challenges in life. Instead, I have been given this challenge for better or for worse---and I don't see any reason for me to change.

Do reparative therapies work? I'm sure they do for some people. Is JiM great? People say so, but I just don't see the point in paying the money for it personally... to be honest, the secretive nature of its meetings seem a little odd and I'm put off by that. In addition, those who seem to go have little post-JiM clubs which I think are separatist and so I don't approve of that either. I'm already excluded enough, don't need to have another group I'm disconnected with.

Anyway, some people think I'm negative towards therapies---and I'm not. For other people. I just don't want anything to do with being poked and prodded mentally anymore. I did over a year of group and one-on-one therapies at BYU. They helped me overcome a lot of my bad thought processes to help me become more of who I am today. Do I want to sit in a room and discuss my feelings anymore in a therapy setting? Not unless I have a severe change of mind. Which I doubt will happen. I'm far too stubborn.

I don't read statistics about changing one's sexuality anymore and I don't really care the results. Even if there was a magic pill, I'd probably not take it since I'm already set in my ways. If I was meant to be straight, I'd have been in a different life---different challenges---why should I change myself? Why should I even WANT to change myself? Why can't I just be me and love myself for how I am?

Sorry folks. Don't invite me to JiM. Not going to go. But I am not saying I don't support YOU going.

Thank you for the Mondays...

2011-11-06T13:02:00.000-08:00

Songs speak to me. Its one of the reasons I love a good Broadway musical. The passion, lyrics, etc. always get me going. Music speaks to me. Especially when they have some sort of power to them.

This song speaks to me. Whenever I think about the lyrics, it makes me think of my mother and how important she is to me. The only hurdle emotionally I have with bringing a child into this world without a mother is that my child wouldn't know a mother... there's a lot of children who don't know their fathers, but this is different to me. And hard for me to accept at times.

I have wonderful women in my life who would provide some of that motherly love.

This song is called Thank You. The lyrics are beautiful. I hope you enjoy them on this Sabbath Sunday!

If I lived to be a thousand years,

If I ruled the word – it's hemispheres,

I could not repay the love you brought my way,

So, I want to say it now

To thank you for each day you gave me.

Thank you for the Mondays,

Saturdays and Sundays,

Everyday, the whole year through;

Thank you for the fun days,

All those number-one days,

Battles-to-be-won days, too;

I just want to say it,

Thank you for each day with…you.

We have just one life to seize the day,

We only have what time there is to say…

‘n'do what we must do, express our gratitude,

So, I want to say it and sing it now to you.

Thank you for the Mondays,

Saturdays and Sundays,Everyday,

the whole year through;

Thank you for the fun days,

All those number-one days,

Battles-to-be-won days, too;

I just want to say it,

Thank you for each day with…you.

At the close of every day,

When I close my eyes to pray,

All I need to do, is just to think of you…

Then, all I need to say…is…

Thank you for the Mondays,

Saturdays and Sundays,

Everyday, the whole year through;

Thank you for the fun days,

All those number-one days,

Battles-to-be-won days, too;

I just want to say it,

Thank you for each day with…you.

India

2011-11-03T17:52:00.000-07:00

So my thoughts have turned a lot to India the last couple of months because of looking into the surrogacy...

Although ideally, I'd be able to find an American who would be able to do the surrogacy for me (in exchange for money or some other arrangement) right now it doesn't appear to be likely that this will happen...

I have been reading online and they are stating that it sometimes takes WEEKS to be able to bring the baby home from India. Now, those articles are from 2006 and 2007 and since then, things have become more stream-lined in that regard. I am going to try to find a local couple who has done the Indian surrogacy as a means to find out from them what was their process.

Its definitely not an easy process but then again, growing a uterus would be much much harder. :)

I still don't know how my family will react to this. I actually kind of planned on not telling them until the surrogate was actually pregnant since they'd probably try to talk me out of it. Once the baby was born and in my home, I'm SURE my parents will be excited. Even though it might not seem real to them initially. I actually thought it would be great to have my mom come with me to pick the baby up but she gets freaked out by international travel. She's weird.

However, I would really really love to have my family involved in this process. Its almost like coming out to my parents all over again even though this is about a BABY which should be a joyous occasion. So kind of weird I'm scared to talk to them about it.

In other news, I'm not making quite as much money as I was hoping with take-home pay as I'd originally thought I'd be making with my current job. So paying off student loans will be harder and longer than planned. Which means baby making will be prolonged.

There's still hope I'll get this other job which will pay better and have benefits so I'm crossing my fingers and toes it'll work out sooner than later.

Gethsemane in my own life...

2011-11-01T17:59:00.001-07:00

Going to church seems like its going through the motions. I feel like I'm not progressing spiritually. I'm not growing in my personal life to be the type of person I want to be... Am I really going towards the path which will bring me closer to God? Or am I going down a crazy path? I'm not really sure.

Sometimes I wonder if my reasons for wanting a child are 100% the best for the child. I mean... doesn't a child deserve a mother in some ways? Would I really be able to provide all the love and support and maturity to raise a child who would have questions about where his or her mother was? Would it matter to a child who was raised in a household with a single male as a caregiver---would he or she adapt to those surroundings without thinking it was abnormal?

I just cannot imagine my life without being a parent. Its such a huge part of my thinking and mindset... And I feel I would be an amazing father regardless of the difficulties. Is it so wrong of me to want to do this despite the church's guidelines and obvious legal hurdles I'd have to face?

I don't feel the spirit much anymore. So whenever I pray about this or other things, its like my prayers are going out but not being heard.

I feel like these lyrics from the song Gethsemane sometimes...

"Then I was inspired
Now I'm sad and tired
After all I've tried for three years
Seems like ninety
Why then am I scared"

Thinking about my life years ago, I feel like the spirit guided me more often... and now I'm just sad and tired... trying for years to fit the mold of being a normal church member while realizing that marriage and a family aren't a possibility. I don't want to have a wife. I want to have a child. And no matter how much I've prayed about it---occasionally even praying for my heart to change enough to WANT to be married... I've not had a desire to go down that typical LDS male route for ... well, since BYU when I was in love with my best friend and it didn't work out. Never wanted marriage before her either.

And now she's married. With a baby.

And I sometimes wonder if I should have been the father to that child. Maybe life would be altogether different for me.

I wonder if all these decisions I've made in life have helped or hindered me to my current stagnation.

I believe in the church. I believe in our Heavenly Father. I believe so much. So why don't I feel anything anymore?

"Listen surely I've exceeded
Expectations
Tried for three years
Seems like thirty
Could you ask as much
From any other man?"

Haven't I done enough in my life to prove my devotion to our Father? Given up so much and sacrificed in order to stay true to my temple covenants... Its been nearly 3 years since I went through the temple. And I felt like first I was progressing. Now I'm sad and tired. After all, I've tried for three years... Maybe I just need something to be progressing in life to feel alive again.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T21:57:00.000-07:00

I love halloween. I love costumes.

Of course I also loved daydreaming all day about taking my own child out Trick or Treating. So weird, I know.

I found out traditional surrogacy is illegal in Utah. And any gestational surrogacy needs to be approved by the courts---and if the surrogacy is for a gay couple, it probably wouldn't be approved.

WHY is Utah so insane?

So now I'm leaning heavily towards surrogacy in India. It will cost me about 28,000. Or I will try to find someone who is a friend who would do it but isn't interested in raising the child. But even then, it would be illegal in a sense. India would be legal.

Its so complicated.

Adoption in Utah

2011-10-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

For those who haven't looked into the adoption process, you're probably lucky---here in Utah, adoptions by single men are next to impossible. Although they're "legally allowed", men are put onto the bottom of the adoption list. So usually single men wait years in Utah for any child.

In addition, single adults cannot be living in the same household as another adult. So even a roommate is not allowed. Effectively, making it illegal for capable parents, such as myself, to adopt.

And we wonder why there are still THOUSANDS of children in the system who age off without homes?

So basically, the only way for me to adopt is to know another person willing to give up their child to me specifically.

If anyone knows someone giving up a baby who wouldn't mind a single guy with lots of love raising him or her, let me know---give me a break, Utah!

To the Universe: Here's a Note

2011-10-23T21:48:00.000-07:00

My future might change for the better if I get this job I'm trying to get... I'd be making a lot more money and I'd be much more stable in my career. I'd be able to take evenings off on occasion too---a major change from my 50-60 hour work week.

Right now, I just want to get rid of my debts and I'll do whatever I have to do to fix my credit and save for a house, a future, a baby, and all those things I'm working towards.

I know a baby is silly, but its all I think about. Everyday. Dozens of times.

I've begun writing down cute baby names on a post-it pad at work. Nothing noticeable. Just a little post-it where I write down cute names I like. Maybe somehow, in the back of my mind, I think about the cosmos somehow helping me if I focus on my goals of father-hood. Will my success rate grow if I think about this more often and make it a priority? I would like to think so.

Life is a daunting task of trials and tribulation. Will it ever get easier?

I don't even know if anyone reads this blog anymore. So maybe I'm just writing it to the Universe. Perhaps I'll get a response. Or perhaps no one will notice or care about me and my little blog. I'm just another one of those same-gender attracted Mormons who sit and blog too often about silly topics, I guess.

But to me, its not totally silly. These blogs contain my dreams. And if we cannot share our dreams and work towards them---they're just fantasy.

So, Universe, help me make my dreams a reality.

Babies on my mind

2011-10-22T17:17:00.000-07:00

I know I am in a financial disaster right now... but I have babies on my mind. Bad. I want to have a family of my own. I don't know what is this rush in my mind---or where the desire is coming from exactly. I watch things like the Adoption Story on TLC and think "This should be me right now!" Its hard knowing at the earliest, I have a little while to go.

Its a good motivation to keep on my game with working---just knowing that each paycheck brings me steps closer to getting out of my financial mess ... and closer to getting a baby, a house, and all that fun stuff.

There's got to be a woman out there willing to be a surrogate for me. There's got to be a baby out there in the future for me. I just know it. I already have so much love for an unborn, not even a twinkle in my eye sort of kid...

I've got baby fever. Bad.

Work

2011-09-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

I might be getting a better job sooner than I had thought. Which means I might be able to financially get on track. Will I ever be rich? I doubt it. But at least I can think about my future more.

I think about babies all the time. I don't know why I am this way. Is it a sign that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing? I feel good when I pray about it... so maybe there is something which will happen which will be positive from my having a family of my own.

Big Decision... in the making

2011-09-10T22:02:00.001-07:00

I've made a big decision in my life which is going to be both exciting and controversial at the same time... I'm going to become a father.

Wait, are you married Post-it Boy? Nope. Are you GOING to get married? Nope.

Haha. Now I've confused everyone.

I've thought about it a lot the last year and I've decided I'm going to have a surrogate and\or adopt a baby. I've been reading about the pros and cons of outsourcing a surrogacy to India, finding my own surrogate in the states, hiring a friend, etc. (All are legal options.) However, I'm leaning towards India.

Utah adoptions don't allow for single fathers, technically, which I find to be rather bigoted. Men aren't seen as good of care-givers. If I adopted out of state, thats a possibility but then it would cause a problem with the finalization in Utah. Sigh.

Surrogacy is my top option since then the child would contain my DNA. I've always wanted a child of my own who I could teach things to---

I'm not getting married so I would raise the child with the help of friends and family, or I would do it alone and hire a part-time caregiver\nanny while I work during the day. Something like that. I am going to raise my child in the gospel to respect gospel standards and as a true Latter-day Saint. As I am single, I will ask someone in my family to have the baby sealed to him or her---right now, I am thinking I'd probably ask my sister who is married with three children of her own. My eldest sister is a possibility except she's not very active in the church. She has no children of her own though. So maybe she would be okay with the idea---

My family doesn't know. They'll freak out on me at first but I think they'll be okay as time progresses. I haven't decided how or when to tell them either.

This is still a ways off---I'd like to do this in 2 years. By then, I'm hoping to get out of debt and be able to save at least enough for the first part of the surrogacy round. I can pay it off in stages during the pregnancy of the surrogate.

I haven't always been looking forward to my future as an active LDS person... since I find my singles ward to be very lonely. And as I don't date, I don't fit in very well... since half the ward is marriage and dating crazy. I have no friends in my ward---like always---so if I had a child, I'd move to a family ward. Where I'd probably be ostracized a bit for being a single father but I don't plan on explaining my situation to anyone. Let them think I'm divorced or widowed. No one talks to me at church anyway so let the gossip fly!

Anyway... if any of my readers want to talk about this post privately that's fine. I don't want any negativity or people telling me I'm going to hell for having a child alone. I've already had one of my closest friends be kind of negative about it and I don't want to hear it. I cannot be excommunicated for having a surrogate or adopting as a single man. And I've also prayed about it and feel good about my decision.

No child will be more loved than mine. End of discussion.

Sucks

2011-01-17T13:30:00.000-08:00

Life sucks right now. I'm completely disappointed in where I am financially, church-wise, etc.

I haven't been super active lately. When I go to church, no one talks to me. Literally, I have been there all day without so much as a Hello. I sit alone. I don't see much point in going.

I didn't get the job I wanted with the church. Another strike against me being active.

I am in serious debts without any means to get out of it. I'm behind on all my work and therefore screwed. S-C-R-E-W-E-D.

I actually kind of want to die, disappear, or have a new life.

If my financial situation doesn't improve, I might just move back home and find another job. I'm tired of being poor.

New Place... Same Life

2010-02-19T12:05:00.001-08:00

I am living in a new place.

I feel really lonely today. I'm going to bed. Sleep usually makes things feel a little bit better. Don't you think?

As if anyone reads this...

2010-02-16T09:19:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to find a new apartment. Thought I'd found one. Turns out I didn't make it before it got taken.

I'm so poor that I don't even have the money for a desposit anywhere. The place I'm living is okay but not as nice as some of these other places. I don't see any time in the foreseeable future I'll have anything but just enough money to cover my main living expenses while I continue to spiral downwards in debt... not being able to pay for school loans or my credit card...

I really hate my life. Is that sad to say? Honestly, I don't like my life. I really want to run away to my parents' house, say screw it all and just sleep for a month...

Why does my life have to be so hard? I'm going to the temple. I'm active in church. Why am I screwed financially so often?

What's Going On...

2010-02-10T16:10:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of tired of being poor. And by kind of tired, I mean REALLY tired. The economy sucks and I wasn't doing amazing before that happened financially. So every month I am challenged to just pay my bills.

A few weeks ago I went and talked to the Bishop and I signed up for food from the Bishop's Storehouse. I ended up getting a lot of the basics there---butter, cheese, flour, etc. which really helped because I cannot afford to buy a lot of these basics. I didn't go crazy and get everything I'd need to eat there. Just go enough to supplement my food budget.

It was embarrassing. And humbling at the same time.

I wish life was easier for me. I wish I didn't have to fight so hard for money. I wish I had time to have a social life. And just to relax. But I'm stressed about work all the time. I've had three job interviews in the last month for part time work. None have panned out since they're offering me less than I make now.

If I'm having trouble paying bills now, getting extra work which pays me LESS isn't going to do me much good.

I need to pay my taxes soon. I'm not employed by a big company so I'm contracted out and so taxes are harder for me to pay. It makes me sad just thinking about them.

I just bought dog food since I literally had none left and I don't even have enough to pay my rent which is a check I've already given my landlord. Sucks, doesn't it?

Sometimes life is insane. But crazy I know I can do. I've handled it before.

I just wish I could find a job which was perfect for me. And would help me pay bills.

Better

2009-08-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling much better today. I think sometimes I just need a little freak out. And then things calm. :)

I'm applying for some new work. Hopefully I get one of the jobs I've applied for. :)

Frustrated

2009-08-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

So today I'm frustrated.

1) Tired of being ignored. Again. WHY does no one seem to want to have me around? Who knows.

2) Not sure if I'm going to the Evergreen Conference. Why? Because it hasn't really been helping me. And for Frustration Reason No. 1. Don't want to bug any of the Moho's who ignore me by showing up.

3) I'm financially in the crapper and have been ever since moving downtown.

The silver lining is that I'm searching for other work. Which hopefully will bring in bigger bucks. So we'll see. I am waiting to hear from a job interview which hopefully will help me if its what Heavenly Father wants for me.

Tired of feeling frustrated and ignored.

How I am feeling

2009-08-19T12:53:00.001-07:00

I want to be in an Idina-Taye sandwich... For real. Both are amazing.

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

I don't know just where I'm going and tomorrow is a little overwhelming
And the air is cold and I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction
for too long now
lost my own reflection
and I can't look down
if you're not there to catch me when I fall

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage
that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid but it's my turn to be brave

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
At least its the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause its my turn to be brave

All along all I ever wanted was to be the light
when your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away

Well, who is to blame? Are we making the right choices?
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay

If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid
But it's my turn to be Brave!

If this is the last chance before we say goodbye,
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid
Cause its my turn to be brave

And I might still cry
And I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightning may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe

This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid, but its my turn to be Brave!

If this it the last time before we say goodbye,
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid, its my turn to be brave!

Update on the life of a Post-it Lover

2009-07-12T07:57:00.000-07:00

Recently I had the opportunity to do something which I kind of wondered if I'd ever do in this lifetime: go through the temple for the first time. It was absolutely incredible. I always describe it to my friends as being overwhelmed spiritually and mentally.

The peace in the temple is absolutely remarkable. I now look forward so much to returning and completing more work for my family.

Getting my recommend was never easy. I had a year of disciplinary council issues, working on overcoming addictive behaviors I'm not proud to admit were ever a part of my life, and working through repentance. However, a few months ago I got my recommend and I promptly set a date for the temple.

Some of my family and friends were able to accompany me.

The Temple made me feel even further that I'm doing the right thing. A lot of readers might not agree especially if they've left the church. However, it's true. Ignore this post if you think I've become indoctrinated into a cult. Because if I'm in a cult, it makes me feel safe and secure... So nothing you say will convince me otherwise.

I love this gospel!

What Ifs...

2009-03-18T17:12:00.000-07:00

I was reading a post on the North Star Young Adults list today. It was posted by a member of the list who will soon be leaving... I don't want to name names, because those messages are private. However, the idea behind it was that he never fully accepted his SSA so when things like marriage and becoming a father came up, he took on those responsibilities and has noticed a change in the attractions... somewhat... through his determination to live the gospel.

Sometimes I wonder about all that different "What if..." situations.

What if I had gotten help when I was a teenager and didn't deal with depression and suicidal thoughts? Would I be a different person now...? Maybe married with children?

I am happy with my life but sometimes I wonder if I'm really doing what I'm supposed to be doing. Will I regret my decision to not get married in 50 years?

I'm getting closer to going through the temple for my own endowments. My bishop said I could get it soon. But I'm moving wards so he doesn't know when the new bishop will approve it. Its my next step though. I know it.

Kind of pissed at Steven Fales

2009-02-03T09:01:00.001-08:00

So has anyone else heard of Steven Fales? He's the famous "Mormon Boy" actor or whatever... Anyway, I guess he has a new play in the works which is a collection of monologues from the perspective of our "Heavenly Mother"... A current play of his talks about temple ceremonies according to a review I read. (Why I read it, I have no idea... Since I wouldn't see his play even if I had free tickets since I've heard enough.)

I can appreciate his coming out stories, knowing that many experience the same things... I'm sure his life has been a challenge as he's had other non-gay issues in his life... and I'm sure he's struggled.

However, no matter where his testimony and faith (or lack thereof) he should have respect for sacred things...

Oh, this fumes me.

That guy is just like every inactive gay Mormon I've ever met... They lose the spirit and then BAM! Its all about making fun or talking lightly of sacred things. That really offends me. I don't care if he's had a hard life as a prostitute or drug addict or whatever else he's done---I'm sure that was hard for him. However, he's gotten beyond that and left the "cult" he'd been in... So why doesn't he just move on with his life and talk about something besides being Mormon?

So lame.

No one invite me to his show because I'd probably be angry the whole time. I don't like when people make fun of sacred things, no matter who or what they are... And I'm not just talking my beliefs, if someone was making fun of another religion's sacred services or beliefs, I'd be mad also.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!

Where in the world is Post It San Diego?

2009-02-02T22:17:00.000-08:00

Does anyone remember that "Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?" game show? Well, if you don't, my post title makes no sense.

Its been months since I've updated this thing.

Here's where I'm at...

Since May I've been on an informal probation with the church. As of about a month ago, that probation has been removed so I'm now able to take the sacrament. I'm still working on myself spiritually, but I feel in many ways I'm advancing... I'm going to be going through the temple soon (hopefully within the next few months---) It all depends on what my Bishop says and what he tells the Stake President. I don't know WHEN this is all going to be fixed up.

Tonight I went to the Matis fireside and the topic was on Temples and going to get your Endowments. A weird topic, perhaps, but then again the speaker IS a Temple President.

The weird part of tonight happened when my Bishop's wife was in the audience. She's an old friend of the Matis family so I was a little in shock but now my wife knows I'm a Moho! Woohoo!

The last while I've been living with a friend of mine who has now moved back home temporarily---and its been hard for me to be alone. I do miss having him around. He'll only be gone a couple weeks but its still weird. When you are good friends with someone, its nice to have them around...

So basically my big news is that I'm preparing for the temple. I'm not going to get married. I'm not serving a mission. But its something I need to do.

In other news, I'm teaching my Sunday School class and the first week went smashing... I'm excited about it and the upcoming developments with it. My bishop's wife has decided to join now so she'll be in my class AND she knows the truth why I don't date despite being in a Young Single Adults ward.

In other other news, another friend of mine has evidently stopped being as active in the church. It happens a lot more than I'd like to say. It makes me sad... but at the same time, I'm happy that he's happy. Its just hard for me to see people leave the gospel, especially when I know there are testimonies inside their hearts.

So... for whoever is reading this, go back to church---shape up---and then stop complaining about your life because its not that bad. There are people starving in other countries or who are dying because they don't have access to penicillin. THEY have it far worse.

Stay strong Brothers and Sisters!

Prop 8

2008-10-19T00:03:00.000-07:00

I cannot help but be shocked at my decision to follow the brethren regarding the Prop 8 initiative. Why? Because five years ago, I'd never have approved of anything which could be seen as discrimination.

For those who have been in a cave on Mars or have only recently been released from solitary confinement, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (of which I am a proud member) has requested its members to support traditional marriage by voting Yes on Prop 8. I don't live in California, nor have I ever lived there, but IF I did I would follow the First Presidency's counsel to support traditional marriage.

I think there are many with very different views on this issue. Many have gotten into arguments about it, debates, massive discussions in their blogs, facebook pages, etc. regarding these opinions. I was even criticized as a same-gender attracted person for my support of traditional marriage. However, to me, its not an issue... I believe in the gospel and I know what the Gospel has taught, repeatedly, over the years regarding marriage. When asked if I sustain the Prophet at General Conference, I hold up my hand. That reason alone is enough of an explanation as to why I choose to follow the Brethren.

I've been quote statistics... been shown how pre-marital relations can HELP a marriage... been told that people should do what feels right, what's in their heart, how its inequality, how we should do this and that and everything...

However, when it comes down to it, I believe in the Gospel. I believe in the Prophet. If he and the rest of his counselors and the Quorum of the Twelve have prayed regarding this and have been given the answer that traditional marriage is the way to go, then I will stand with them. No matter how many might say that I am hindering progress.

I've been told I'm not being as Christian as I could---because "God would want his children to be happy---so why would he disapprove of something which promotes love?!?!"---

Well, I do believe that Heavenly Father wants his children to be happy. Does he want them to deliberately disobey him---and allow others to allow it to happen? I don't think so. And if ANYONE in this Universe knows what will make us eternally happy, it is our Father in Heaven who has lived it all before.

What it all stems back to is my belief that WE as members of the Lord's church need to stop being wishy-washy with our opinions. If I see someone, even a member of my own immediate family, doing something which I think is against the Lord's Plan, I don't want them to believe that I find their actions satisfactory. I will not attack them, make them feel inferior or that I do not love them. But it would sadden me to know that whoever it is has chosen against the Lord's Plan for them...

So yes, I love my gay brothers and sisters---even those not of my faith---I don't wish them unkindness. Nor do I hope they find my words to be damaging.

I believe in the Gospel. Wholeheartedly. Not just the parts I like or which fit my agenda easily. I cannot go to Church on Sundays and go to a gay club the night before. Why would I want a law to be passed that would take what is our Lord's definition of a true marriage to be redefined to fit whomever's social agenda? Or to fit their own lifestyle more easily?

Even five years ago, I'd have probably wanted to fight for the rights for gays to marry. At one time, I was planning on getting married myself---to a woman who I still consider to be one of the most amazing people to ever walk this earth. Marriage is a beautiful thing. Five years ago, I'd not be where I am today... sitting at my computer and writing a blog about why I support Traditional Marriage. But, then again, five years ago I was still coming to terms with the turmoil which existed within me... I have since begun to realize the Lord's infinite plan and where I, as a proud member of the church who happens to deal with Same-gender attraction really fits into the picture.

Five years makes a big difference.

Tall and Tender like an Apollo...

2008-10-07T13:22:00.000-07:00

What happened to the man from Tacaremba la Tumbe Del Fuego Santa Malipas Zatatecas la Junta del Sol y Cruz?

Well, he's right here... For those who don't know what this reference is, its a Sondheim Song about a woman who falls in love with a guy who is OBVIOUSLY not batting for her team. He is a great dancer, wears weird clothes, his friends call him Lillian and he owns a boutique... the woman still falls for him and doesn't understand why he doesn't return the affection.

Sometimes I feel like the guy in the song.

This past Sunday (before General Conference) a girl in my ward asked to sit next to me during Sacrament Meeting. Usually I sit alone---which is fine because I'm there for spiritual development and not purely social reasons---but it was a little weird. Does she like me a little? Is she just being nice? Social? Who knows.

It was a little strange for me because most of the time, women don't seem to notice me very much. And if they do, they don't make it evident.

Why am I so weird to not appreciate women? Am I a freak? Most guys would jump at the chance to have a nice girl sit next to them at church... For me, I felt awkward. But it was nice to not sit by myself for a change.

It is nice to get at least a little attention even if its from a woman. It goes to show that I'm not so entirely without visual charms.

In other news, a couple weeks ago a guy in my ward saw my outfit and asked why I was "dressed like that---wearing a suit and stuff..." which I thought was a little weird. Is it inappropriate to wear a suit to a Young Single Adult's ward? Sure, my suit was tailored well and I had a pocket square with a matching tie... but thats just style. :)

It was a little weird and felt like I was on display. Or that maybe my clothes were a little more extreme than most guys in my ward.

Well, if so, then aren't I even more like the man in the "The Boy from..." song? If so, why would a girl ask to sit next to me if I'm so blatantly obvious? Hmmm... I dunno.

I think I'm analyzing this too much.

Sometimes I wish I fit in at church a little more. And sometimes, I still wish I was married. Yesterday at the Matis fireside, I held a baby who belonged to a woman I met last month. His name is Seth and he's really cute. However, sometimes when I hold a baby I wish I had one of my own. I'd be a really good father. Much better than many others I know.

Its sad because there's a very real possibility it might never happen for me.

Le Sigh.

Being Blind to my Own Potential

2008-09-10T02:19:00.000-07:00

On Monday, I went to the Matis fireside. And like always, I enjoyed it.

I didn't meet a lot of new people. I kind of kept to myself and just socialized with people I already knew. (Basically what I do every time I go... haha.) However, I had an enjoyable time seeing old friends and visiting.

Chris Belcher was there. I need to buy her book, I might add. She is a blind Latter-day Saint who has had something like four or five surgeries and radiation to remove cancers and tumors from her eyes... the first time being when she was only like 7 months old. Due to this, her face is a little misshapen.

However, as she spoke and I heard what she had to say, I was amazed by what a beautiful person she was. Not saying she was going to win Beauty Pageants... since that kind of beauty goes with age. She had this inner beauty---a really nice aura about herself where you could see she was a happy person.

So why are we as men who deal with same-gender attraction just sitting around complaining? I know I would choose attractions over blindness. And I think many of you would say the same thing. If we would choose this issue over another had we been given options, why do we sit around and talk about how unfair life is?

I think we can all be happy no matter what struggle we have. And we don't need to leave the church to pursue happiness.

Tired

2008-08-06T00:56:00.000-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you feel completely unattractive and gross?

Today was that day.

Normally I'm quite content with my appearance. But today I felt very unattractive. It was very hard for me to sit and analyze my appearance and all the things about it I didn't like... all the while getting depressed over it.

I guess the last month or two I haven't been feeling very attractive. I don't get compliments like I used to when I'd get all dressed up for things. I don't know why but I don't get compliments as much... maybe because I've stopped putting so much thought into my clothes or maybe I don't hang around those who find me attractive... or maybe people just aren't quick with saying how nice people look anymore. I don't know. But its nice every so often to be told something nice about how you look.

I'm feeling okay now. I think its been a very trying day... I haven't been sleeping very well. I should go to bed.

I know its stupid to be depressed when I am so blessed in other things.

I really wish I had someone around to give me a hug tonight.

Oh well.

Another day begins tomorrow. And maybe I'll finish the work I was supposed to do today.

God Still Loves Me...

2008-07-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

While I do know that Heavenly Father still loves me, as He does all His children, I am actually using the heading to base a very long standing argument which gay people (specifically out-gay inactive members of the church) seem to state:

"I know that God still loves me..."

Often said in an argumentative manner or a means to gain sympathy after they've expressed how their church has abandoned them (rather than, interestingly enough, the person abandoning the church...)

This statement always bugs me... And it doesn't bother me because I believe that God doesn't love an out-gay person. Its the idea that the Gospel or the First Presidency has ever stated contrary to this statement.

OF COURSE, Heavenly Father still loves you! He loves you no matter what you do.

If you had a puppy chew on your favorite shoe, would you be upset with him? Sure. Would you maybe be frustrated? A little. Would you hate him forever? Certainly not. I've never been able to stay mad at a pet of mine for very long. However, that doesn't mean you approve of the action of chewing on the shoe.

I believe that Heavenly Father works the same way.

He will always love His children. Gay. Straight. Black. White. Brown. Tanned. Purple. Pink. Member. Nonmember. Inactive... However, that doesn't mean he approves of all of our actions.

I know Heavenly Father loves me. I know he approves of my love for helping my family, providing service to people, and doing things like submitting names to the Temple. However, that doesn't mean that He likes everything I do. Does he enjoy when I get mad at someone? Or if I chose to drink just a little alcohol... or watch an R-rated movie... or something pornographic on the computer...??? Of course not. But He doesn't stop loving us either.

When I hear former members of the church bash our leaders, those of whom at one time they followed, it makes me upset when they say "I still know God Loves me... no matter what anyone says!" because the church has never said same-gender attracted people could not be members. They merely stated that certain behaviors be dealt with in a gospel-centered way. The church never stated that same-gender attracted members were not welcome in church meetings or at BYU or working for the church or as a missionary. . . We're just like all other members of the church, and, like all members of God's spirit family.

However, just because we are always recipients of God's love, doesn't mean He approves of all the things we do. Whether gay, straight, black, white, brown... etc.

Just a couple pennies' worth of my thoughts. Anyone else agree? disagree?

Things and stuff...

2008-07-17T11:07:00.000-07:00

I have had an interesting conversation with my exgirlfriend.

Lately she's had a crush on her Spanish professor. Just a little one. The type where she thinks he is cute and gets tongue tied around him (which isn't a good sign when in a LANGUAGE course...) but it has been really fun to talk to her about all of it. She's been so embarrassed by her behavior. It has cracked me up though.

The weird thing is that she and I have been discussing our mutual attraction of latin men.

Why is this somehow normal? haha.

I think that my love for the cute darker-skinned not-so-fair sex is evident by my talking about how I think Corbin Bleu is really cute. I am not just attracted to darker skinned people though.

Okay... so my "Type" is anyone having curly hair and an accent... Hence why I love Orlando Bloom. As so many Latinos have curly hair and accents, it is evident why I would be attracted to them. It doesn't hurt that Latin people are the only ones who are okay with the fact that I could lose a few pounds and don't go to the gym.

I'm sure America Ferreira would find me attractive since latinas love my booty. But I doubt she will ever marry me despite my best efforts at becoming Mr Ugly Betty someday.

This is just a bunch of my random thoughts. I've asked my ex to take a picture of him since I'm just curious what he looks like.

If anyone hasn't already started, listen to In The Heights. AMAZING.

My thoughts

2008-07-15T23:40:00.000-07:00

I am going to bed soon. I promise.

I've been thinking a lot tonight and wanted to share some of my thoughts.

I'm a Moho. A same-gender attracted person. An occasionally well dressed celibate.

In the Latter-day Saint Church Culture (though not doctrine) we're taught that unless you're married with a family you are not doing what you're supposed to be doing. If I don't get married, then where do I fit into the church?

I sometimes wonder about my role in the church even if I did get married. Would I ever want to be a church leader... a bishop or stake president? Not really. Callings of power and authority scare me. I'd probably pee myself if I was ever called to be even an Elders Quorum President.

I had a girlfriend once. No one ever seems to believe it. We had a long-distance courtship which ended in both of us being burned though not for the SGA reasons. Jealousy and misunderstandings became so prominent in our relationship that it was giving me panic attacks and a pre-ulcer like condition with the stress. I didn't like what our relationship turned us into. And, of course, I miss her. Even though we talk every week, I still miss her.

I sometimes think about marriage as a means to feel normal. Its always in the back of my mind as one of those "What Ifs"... What if I had married my ex-girlfriend? She is by far the coolest girl I've ever met in my life. If I wasn't attracted to men, I'd have married her a long time ago. I had planned on proposing to her about 2-3 months after we ultimately broke up. She never knew that I had planned on proposing to her. Short of her discovering this blog, she will likely never know. Because I couldn't possibly tell her at this point.

I don't really want to marry a woman anymore though.

My Bishop suggested I date. Not in the sense of wanting to get me married. He thinks dating for me would be a good way to become social. He thinks I'm anti-social at church. That is actually funny to me because this is the first ward I've been to that I actually attend activities on occasion and I have not missed a single Sunday despite usually sitting alone.

How do I explain to my Bishop that my NOT dating is a form of kindness? Because if I dated a girl, she might become attached to me... And then look what would happen... she'd possibly want to date more, take it to another level, kiss me, etc. Must better to just avoid the drama and not put girls through it.

What would I do on a date?

Despite the occasional loneliness, I like being attracted to men. Its normal to me.

If I'm content with my attractions with no desire for marriage or dating, then ... we're back at the same question: WHERE do I fit into the gospel?

My answer... I think that we choose our own way we fit in.

My mom went to the temple today and did the work for someone. I helped a friend of mine compile some names for the temple, and this was one of them. My mom had such a spiritual impression about this woman that she called me afterwards crying.

While my friend and I both have worked on compiling his family history... I know it is because of my work that this woman ultimately is getting a chance to accept the gospel.

I think we all need a reason to keep going to church. Whether its a love of Scripture Study, Temple attendance, church service... being a good friend... being an example to those you know... going on splits with missionaries... singing in the ward choir... or organizing the nicest centerpieces at a Stake Date-Night.

I think we all have a place in the gospel if we desire to find our own way to help.

In other news, I still don't know why Corbin Bleu is not as famous as Zac Efron.

My latest

2008-07-07T18:33:00.000-07:00

... So I met with the Bishop the second time yesterday. I'm on an "Informal Probation" for a few months until I can get my Temple Recommend. That is nothing too severe, in a sense, compared to disfellowship or a formal probation.

However, it is hard in its own way...

I cannot take the sacrament, pray in public meetings or participate in class discussions. So basically, when I'm at church I sit by myself, don't say a word during the lesson, and I cannot do really anything but read.

Church is supposed to charge my batteries. However, yesterday being my first Sunday on the Informal Probation meant I got no charge. I don't feel good this week. Things like talking in class, sharing experiences with the lesson and praying in class help me...

I'm sure the church has its reasons for these rules in the informal probation. I have to figure out a way to get a spiritual charging of my batteries because right now I'm not feeling very strongly charged. Does any of this make sense?

I was thinking that during church I would bring my journal and record thoughts because I cannot voice them out loud.

I would appreciate prayers and maybe a phone call, email or something for those who know me...

A day in a new life...

2008-06-30T23:43:00.001-07:00

Already, I feel like my life is a little different. I'm on an unofficial probation right now, I guess, so church will be a little weird for a couple weeks ... Unless the Stake President says I don't need the probation. Unsure of what he'll say.

Regardless, I am feeling happy and confident that whatever is decided will be for the good of not only myself but my relatives' whose work in the Temple I can complete when this all happens. It will be insane getting baptized for some of my deceased relations. And then also Endowments and sealings too.

I feel like I'm beginning a new life. That makes me happy. :)

I still want prayers from my Mohomies, if you wouldn't mind. It took a LOT for me to talk to a Bishop since I hate admitting my faults. But, as I said, its for the best...

My "First Time"

2008-06-29T23:59:00.000-07:00

Well, its not going to be as sensual as you might think...

Today was my first time meeting with the Bishop regarding getting my Temple Recommend. I explained the Same-Gender Attraction thing. Told him about any issues I've had in the past ... He's let me know that I can get my temple recommend... but he's not sure when. He would like to counsel with the Stake President to determine what will need to be done.

My Bishop was very supportive... He even let me know that one of his close relatives deals with the same issue.

I will be meeting with him on a weekly basis ...

I've decided I'm going to do whatever they ask of me to do. And I will do my best to follow the commandments and participating in my ward. Going to Family Home Evenings. Ward Activities. Church Every Sunday. Paying Tithing. Etc.

This coming Sunday, I have a meeting with him...

I will keep you posted. Please keep me in your prayers so I can get a recommend as soon as is possible...

Careers and blessings. . .

2008-06-27T16:09:00.000-07:00

I already had a job by the time I graduated college. I know what you are thinking "HOW was it possible?" Well, I would love to take the credit for it but I realize that it would be a little selfish. I realize it is a definite blessing from my Heavenly Father.

However, I wasn't getting enough hours. I still am not but its not due to a lack of work. I am merely having scheduling issues. It is hard for me to work 40 hours a week at my job despite LOVING what I do.

I will not tell you what I do as my job would basically out me to everyone ... not because it is a gay job. The reason my job would out me is that I'm in a specialized field and so I am just a little protective over my privacy.

My job is not technically "full-time" nor does it offer any benefits.

I got a call from a friend the other day who alerted me to a possible job where he works. I still have not heard officially whether or not I could get the job, but his boss was interested in hiring me. So, last night I was up until 2 AM working on a resume.

This job would offer a salary, benefits, more job security, and a potential for traveling in the future...

Even though I don't HAVE the job, I can see our Heavenly Father's hand in this.

I don't consider myself somehow special enough to gain these blessings. However, I know that I am special in God's eyes. If I don't always see myself as special or important, I merely need to look at the blessings around me.

Right now, I am living rent free with a relative... in exchange for housework and things.

I am living in my mom's old bedroom she had as a child. Its a little strange realizing that, but its cool in a way. My mom and I are exceedingly close, especially since I told her of my same gender attraction issues three years ago. (Holy crap! Was it really that long ago? I guess it really is... WOW!)

What a difference has occurred in my life since I told my parents... Some has been hard. Some have been a major blessing. I do not regret any of it...

And now, I am working towards having a career of my dreams. If these are not evidences of my commitment to the gospel and not going the "gay way" then I don't know what is.

Life is beautiful. We should all enjoy it.

Post-It Boy

Mixed Blessings and a Random Quote

2008-06-20T13:36:00.000-07:00

Was browsing the Northern Lights blogs and came across a little blog game... pick up the closest book. Go to Page 123. Find the 5th sentence on the page and post it.

For me, it was "Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, Witch and the Wardrobe" ... Actually it was my copy of the books where they're all contained in one book. (Would be amazing if Harry Potter could ever do this but the book would be enormous and completely impractical... haha.)

The line: "Make it Pax."

That means "Make Peace" in older British Slang. (We're talking WWII time England...)

Interestingly enough, the fourth sentence on the page says "Do Come Out" and the 6th was "Still there was no answer."

Neither of those are really good for inspiring members of the church to be strong in the gospel. :)

Since graduation, I've remained busy by continuing things I love... cooking, watching movies, working, etc. But I have noticed that right now, it seems, my life is rather peaceful. Maybe its because most of my friends haven't spoken to me in a while. (I've only seen a few of my friends since moving to Salt Lake...) Or maybe its because I don't have school to keep me extra busy.

I guess graduation helped me realize a few things about myself... I can do a lot of things with my time now that I am done with school. However, as I don't have things like the Honor Code hanging over me, I guess now is the time to proof to myself and others that I want the best life has to offer... which includes the Gospel.

For those who are curious, I have emailed around to some other companies to find work and I've had some positive responses.

Two months ago...

2008-06-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

... I used to blog regularly. For the last couple of months I've been busy. Sure, I know that sounds like a really lame excuse but in all sincerity... I have been busy.

For all of May, I've been in South America. Revisiting old friends and meeting some new ones.

I rediscovered this song and I absolutely love it. It is from a Swedish musical about the trials of emigrants from the country in the 19th century. As I'm a social history geek, I enjoy the songs I've heard thus far... even with very limited Swedish knowledge.

The English translation follows, taken from various sources. You can look up the song on Youtube...

Du måste finnas from Kristina från Duvemåla

You expelled me God
From my homeland I was torn
Here I seek refuge and am a strange
and that fate I willingly accept
but you took my child...
you seperate me from my husband
I can no longer see a purpose...

What is it you want? What should I believe in?
What is it Lord that you want? That I am not seeing?
Never once have I dared
Never until today

Who is to save me if into the darkness I fall?
Now that I need more than ever to have my God near me...
Do you hear when I call? Are you there after all?

The thought is terrifying, before me gapes an abyss
My whole being is in turmoil and wants to say no
The question is asked and my soul trembles in wait for the answer
... That you don't exist
Though I believed in you
Who would help me endure life in this place out there?
Who would give me the strength that I must recieve?
Who would console me, I am so small on this here earth
If you weren't there, what would i do then?

No you have to be there, you have to...
I want to live my life through you
Without you I am a remnant on a dark and stormy sea
You have to be there, you have to, how can you abandon me?
I would be nowhere.
I would be nothing if you weren't there.

Never before has it been in my thoughts or in my speech
That little word that scares me and torments me so...
The word is "if", if I prayed all my prayers for nothing
If you aren't there...
what shall I do then?

Who would sense my my dread, and then forgive me?
The peace in my soul, who would bestow upon me?
Who would greet me in the end after dying?
It you aren't there, who would take care of me then?
No, you have to be there, you have to, live my life through you
Without you I'm a remnant on a dark and stormy sea
You have to be there, you have to, how can you abandon me?
I would be nowhere
I would be nothing if you weren't there...

You have to be there, you have to, how can you abandon me?
I would be nowhere
I would be nothing if you weren't there...

I would be truly lost without God in my life. I do not know how inactive members of the church can handle that seperation.

The only difference with how I feel with these lyrics... is that to me, it doesn't matter if God doesn't exist or not. I do not mean to sound blasphemous because I know He exists and watches over us. I merely state that to me, it doesn't matter if He is there because I want to live a good life... and so even if I die and that is the end of my life as I know it, at least I have done all I can to be a good friend, charitable person, etc.

Being Gay or Same-gender attracted doesn't mean we cannot be those things: Good Sons, Good Neighbors, Good people. However, it doesn't excuse immoral behavior either. I think so many people get caught up in that "Well, just because I'm gay doesn't mean I'm a bad person..." because it doesn't mean that at all.

And, the Gospel doesn't teach that you are either. So why can't more people reconcile their hurt feelings, get off their Pro-Everything soapbox and get back to the root of the good things in this life... which stem from the Gospel.

I am excited to go to my new ward tomorrow. For those who don't know, I've graduated from BYU officially and I am now living in Salt Lake City with my family. Woohoo!

Everyone email me and tell me how you're doing!

Being glad for who I am

2008-04-06T23:50:00.000-07:00

I think sometimes human beings have a desire to be unhappy. Either its the way they look or their car or their job or their family... People always want to have the next bigger and better thing.

With our lives personally, I think that people seek changes in place where it might not be necessary to change. I'm not talking about changing from gay-to-straight. I'm talking about just change in general.

Why can't people be content with what they have instead of focusing on so many other things they do not have?

I was sitting with someone and we were discussing sports cars for a minute. My involvement in the conversation was limited as I know nothing about cars. This person plans on buying a vintage classic car older than my parents' marriage and likely as expensive as six of my cars combined.

It is not a problem, necessarily, to get a new car. I applaud his efforts to follow his passion which evidently is classic cars. However, it made me think about just being content for what you have and who you are. Instead of constantly tweaking or changing things.

Sure, there are plenty of things about myself which I dislike. However, overall, I'm glad to be who I am. I wouldn't want to change myself. Nor do I want to change my life.

Wouldn't it be nice if instead of always focusing on the "next big thing" we were just content with being in the here and now... and just sit back, breathe in a deep breath and say "I'm flippin' great just how I am!"?

Being Different

2008-04-05T14:25:00.000-07:00

I only caught the tail end of the talk today by an Apostle. Forget which one since I've now seen several hours of Conference. Hard to remember each speaker individually.

Anyway... The talk mentioned being different.

The part I remember most said that just because we're members of the church does not mean we have to all be the same. I liked this idea because I think sometimes we assume that to be LDS we have to be just like everyone else. However...

How are LDS People EVER like everyone else? Aren't we outcasts already for being different from the World? We're not all the same because of differing personalities, appearance, educations and backgrounds. I was raised in a Mormon home in the east coast. I am tall, average build, decent looking. Am I bad because I'm not the type of Mormon you see in Utah who are also my age? Sure, I don't have two or three kids as some of my friends do who are about my age. However, I like my differences. It keeps me real and authentic to myself.

Being different from others is a blessing.

Those of us with SSA have special talents and abilities. Why not focus on the things which make us special and unique instead of thinking about all the ways we don't fit in?

Blessings

2008-03-30T23:33:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like sometimes NOTHING is going right and then you get a little hope?

I have a friend who is attempting the long process of coming to this country. He's a very good friend of mine.

Recently we've had a lot of blessings with him coming here. However, we have had challenges... and despite the fact we have only partially completed steps for him to come here, we have hope for things to come. Its a comforting feeling having hope.

I am considering putting his name into the temple when we are working on the immigration process as his motivations for coming here are good. The best way to get things done is with the Lord...

Recently I had an experience where I had to go into the reception area of a temple to ask a question. LONG story. Anyway, while I was there, I felt something which I haven't felt in a while...

I really want to go through the temple. I've decided I'm talking to my Bishop when I graduate and move to a more permanent ward. Its about time I took that step. Instead of dragging my heels.

I forgot how pretty even the foyer of a temple is.

Itunes and Thoughts

2008-03-19T11:54:00.000-07:00

Today I woke up and opened my Itunes. A typical morning activity as I am first waking up.

I imported a folder of some newly acquired music and I came across a song I do not ever remember downloading or getting from a friend. My only guess is Cool Roommate sent it to me. It is called Ophelia by Rebecca Luker.

Its a really good song.

I've had a friend who has been a little sad lately because he wants to be loved.

Sometimes I wish that for some people, being loved by friends was always enough to realize they are worthy people. Why are we the worst critics of ourselves?

People are sometimes shocked when I tell them I've battled body image issues and thought I was very unattractive my whole life... until a few years ago when I began to accept I wasn't as hideous as I thought I was. Granted, I'm not a supermodel. However, I'm not bad looking. I think most people assume those who aren't ugly could never have body image issues. Actually, I think it is a problem for everyone.

Why do we do that to ourselves? We make ourselves think we're unloveable because of our looks, appearance, wealth, status, etc.

EVERYONE has worth. And, everyone has the same worth simply for being human. We're not amoebas whose life will not be missed when its snuffed out. Everyone, even people in prison, have people who love them and will miss them when they die.

Just because you don't have a hot guy on your arm doesn't mean you're not loved or loveable.

Friends are good sources of love. And if they are true friends, they'll respect your standards whatever they are. So rather than think of yourself as unloveable, go and find a friend who can let you know how special you are... The biggest step of all is actually BELIEVING it for yourself so that you don't need to be reminded of your special qualities and will know it on your own.

A ridiculous dream... and a thought for the day

2008-03-17T10:25:00.000-07:00

I had a dream last night that my parents got a boa constrictor and also a polar bear.

I think I've watched too much Lost lately.

A friend of mine said recently he was considering not paying tithing because he couldn't get married. Not to embarrass him, since that is not my intention, but it got me thinking. How often do we excuse our behavior based on our sexual attractions? How often do we use them as a crutch to hide behind?

I am reading the book The Secret Garden because I like to read childrens' books to then be able to recommend and discuss with my nieces.

For those who don't know the story, a young girl goes to live with relatives after being orphaned in India. She meets her cousin, Colin, who is a bedridden very spoiled child. He uses his illness as an excuse for his ill-temper, lack of kindness and for how miserable he is. A doctor recommended to his caretakers that Colin wouldn't be ill if he chose not to be.

Do we ever do this?

"I am same-sex attracted... so then I don't have to go to church because its too hard for me..."
"... I don't have to follow all the rules because the church has abandoned me..."
"... I don't have to follow the Prophet's counsels because HE doesn't know what I'm going through..."

The list of excuses we allow ourselves is astronomical. And, to be quite blunt, a little ridiculous and stupid.

Sometimes we follow rules and commandments simply because they are commandments.

What makes US different as single SSA men (or in fact married men as the case may be) from any other members of the church? We don't look different, minus the nicer couture on occasion. :) We don't smell different. We don't talk different necessarily. We are all still men.

Single SSA men are no different from their straight counter-parts as far as their anatomy. I am just as much a male as any man at church who fathers 12 children. And if I was married, I'd be just as much a married male as any married man at church.

We allow those excuses into our lives as a crutch to keep us from doing what is right. We know the commandments. Most of us went to Primary or Seminary. So why do we pretend we don't know the commandments? Or, why do we use excuses not to follow them?

You're not so special you are not subject to the same laws as anyone else.

Sunshine

2008-03-16T17:43:00.000-07:00

I'm in Salt Lake for the next few days visiting family up here.

We had a crazy freak snowstorm last night. It made me realize how nice the sunshine is. It is harder for me to live when I don't have regular exposure to the sun. We'd been having some slightly warmer days with sunshine... and then its been snubbed out a bit.

It makes you realize how important the small things in life are.

I think sunshine is a small miracle which happens to us everyday which we don't even take the time to consider. Without the warmth and rays of the sun, life on this planet would be impossible.

It is one of the many miracles which everyone is allowed to experience. Gay, SSA, Straight, etc. And yet, how many of us ignore those small things in our life which make it quite literally possible to be alive?

Instead of focusing on the negative of what the church "forces" us to live by... all the rules and laws and commandments which some claim smother their freedom... Think about all freedoms and blessings we're given on a daily basis.

And, speaking of sun, Where is Spring?

More bedtime thoughts...

2008-03-13T23:34:00.000-07:00

Last night I said my first really sincere prayer in what feels like weeks. I say prayers but they're not always seeking a real answer, does that make sense? Last night I prayed about what I see as a very uncertain future. Not that I don't have plans, but that I often times doubt my plans. I feel better about things now.

Prayer really does help. Even if they don't always get loud and clear sort of answers.

MohoHawaii asked me in my last blog's post about the whole celibacy thing.

First, I wanted to comment on the mixed-orientation marriage idea. First off, I hate referring to them as a mixed-orientation although its hard to explain otherwise. As someone who at one time intended on marrying a girl (who knew I was not sexually attracted to her) but who I loved anyway, I have a little bit of a twisted image of the idea of marriage.

I think marriage is a beautiful idea. A partnership is always beautiful to me. IF THERE IS HONESTY FROM THE START!

What seems to have happened largely in the past is that SSA\Moho men get married and 5, 10, even 30 years down the line realize their error. Sometimes they lived in such denial over their attractions, they refused to get help for any of them until long after things like adultery was involved and divorce was on the horizon.

The church doesn't support this notion anymore. I don't know if the official church position ever was to "just get married" although many church leaders pushed for that out of naivety or perhaps seeking a quicker way to work through this. Now, church leaders have a bit more training and knowledge when it comes to this. And while many out there think that Evergreen International is the devil (myself NOT included) it has helped to educate church leaders on the topic of how to more adequately deal with members of the church with these feelings.

That being said, I think that marriages nowadays between SSA men or women and their spouses have a better success rate than in the past. Generally because help is being sought earlier for those individuals. So that when they do enter a marriage, its with the right motives and the partner is aware.

Is marriage for me? I don't really think so. It is not required to be LDS no matter what people preach in Sunday School or you BYU Book of Mormon or EFY class.

NOW about the celibacy thing...

To me, life is not about any one thing. Life isn't about what I'm going to wear, or how I'm going to style my hair, or go to school, or which friends I have and which job I get after graduation. It is a mix of those things.

That being said, life doesn't have to be "all about sex"--In fact, any couple out there would admit that sex is just a way to express your love for someone.

That doesn't mean my life needs to include that aspect of love. Nor does it mean that my life is not worth living if I don't have sex.

So many people have this black and white mentality that life is about this-or-that. Either people are all gay or all straight. (And I know straight guys who have admitted they can see why being affectionate with a guy might be fun---and I know gay guys who admit they have been attracted to women before. Go figure! Evidence its not so black and white!)

Life doesn't need to contain a lot of the things we think it has to in order to be fulfilling.

I made a list of the things I wanted to do in this life. Some of them include, but not limited to:

Visiting most of the countries of Europe.
Learning how to cook really good Italian food.
Growing a more organic garden.
Learning how to do food storage.
Writing a book.
Gathering Temple Names for all my nonmember deceased relatives.
Being a true friend to those in my life.
Become self-sufficient. (i.e. being able to grow my own food)
Giving my nieces and nephews a really cool Uncle. (ME!)
Seeing the Pyramids.
Owning a house with a pool.
Rescuing a Maine Coon Cat just like the one I had as a kid.
Snorkling in the ocean with an underwater camera. (Just as long as there are no sharks within about 100 miles since Jaws still scares the crap out of me...)

Okay, so the above list proves I'm a gay mormon since traveling, and food storage are on my list of to-do's.

So while some might see a life of living without sex as some sort of punishment, I think of it as just one thing to do without which does not prevent me from having so many other things in my life. I can still be a great uncle. I can still learn how to cook really good Italian food. (And for those who have tried my cooking, you know someday I'll learn... I'm great in the kitchen.)

I think the reason some people detest the idea of celibacy is either they're holding onto a little too much of the world's views of what normalcy as a gay man is... they're not truly committed to the gospel... or they just cannot grasp the idea that there are SOOOOO many other things that life has to offer.

One thing I told my mom a few months ago is that by my NOT having a wife (or a gay husband or whatever) I will be able to devote my time to doing so many other things which benefit myself and others. My life stopped being all about my own needs and wants a while back.

I will add that I also get affection from friends of mine which helps fill a need to get love and friendship. And I plan on living with a friend of mine---since living alone is NOT a requirement for being SSA and active in the church. Nor is it a requirement for living the law of chastity.

Thoughts before bed

2008-03-13T00:41:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here in my bed thinking about some blogs I've recently come across.

Recently, I learned another friend of mine has left the church. Correction: As my father says, he has left the church but cannot leave it alone. Its similar of all the blogs I come across from ex-Mormons or out-gay inactive Mormons or whatever. Their blog posts are filled with the same stuff of the "I hate what the church says..." and "I cannot BE ME in the church..." So they gradually go inactive. And then preach the whole "You can live a good life without the church!" philosophy.

Sure, anyone can live a good life whether or not they're LDS. I know some born-again Christians who live very moral lives. I know Jewish people. Catholics. Mormons, etc.

However, did Heavenly Father intend for us to live our lives as inactive members of the church fighting against the church? I don't think so.

A friend of mine said to me today "What would you do if I stopped going to church? Would you still be my friend?" To which I of course replied I would. However, it would not stop me from being saddened by his decision.

Another argument they have is that "Parts of the church are good and parts are bad." So they stick to the things they like, which fit their own agenda, and decide not to follow all the commandments? Seems a little like "Well, I will be on a new health plan... but I insist on eating a gallon of double fudge brownie chocolate ice cream every night before bed!" Kind of ruins the whole diet-exercise routine if you pick the parts of the diet that are convenient to follow while keeping other habits not in accordance with the diet.

To me, it is quite simple.

The Gospel is true! I cannot stress it enough. No matter how conflicted you might feel or how unhappy you might be at times with church leaders for their supposed homophobia... The Gospel is still true. And if that Gospel is true, then ALL of it is true.

Do not talk to me about how the Blacks changed the church by getting the Priesthood and how someday gay temple marriage will happen! It is not logical to follow that same line of thinking with this situation. The church's position, officially, is that we are unsure of the reasons behind the Priesthood issue. However, the church is quite clear about its position on homosexual marriage.

If I hear another person complaining about how they "cannot be themselves" because of the church, I might scream. WHAT about yourself cannot be expressed? Is your identity so tied up with being gay that nothing else matters? Give me a break and find something ELSE about your life which you can use as a cultural identity marker besides which genitalia you're more attracted to.

The church doesn't require marriage in this life. If you cannot tolerate living in a Singles Ward because of the pressure, find another ward! And just because you're in a Singles Ward doesn't mean you have to date. I have been in Singles Wards for years. I have never gone on one date at BYU and I don't think its that big of a deal.

One closing remark... IF the Gospel of Jesus Christ is true, then the Plan of Happiness is true. And wouldn't you want to do anything you could to reach those Blessings? Even if it meant changing your focus on what is important in your life, and maybe finding newfound strength inside of yourself to continue on and BE HAPPY in this life? (And trust me, it is possible to be happy and SSA in this church without marriage... I've never been happier and marriage is the farthest from my mind.)

To me, the Gospel is True. And I want to return to my Heavenly Father. So I will respect his teachings and those appointed leaders. Without questioning. Without attacking. I will go to church and live a good life while going to church. Because I believe that the Gospel is true. I cannot sit and pick apart the things I like while ignoring the doctrine I dislike.

Being the Uninvited, Taking Control and Evergreen

2008-03-11T12:56:00.000-07:00

Recently I've seen a lot of people---mohos and non-mohos alike---who have been going on trips and adventures. National parks, camping, Europe, Cruises, etc. I see the pictures on facebook, myspace or those online photo albums on other blogs. And I sometimes think "Wow! I wish I was there! It looks like fun!"

But, the sad truth, is that I've never been invited.

Is it a problem with me, personally? Am I grotesque? Or boring? Or too weird to make people want to associate with me?

I don't think so. I think I'm a pretty good guy.

I've decided that rather than ever be sad that I'm not invited places, I will take control of areas in my life which I can control more.

I am working on not being affected by my usual evenings of being in my apartment. I have a close friend with whom I talk to almost every night. And that is a really amazing comfort to me. Without his friendship, I'd probably be very lonely.

I've been asked to be a part of the Evergreen Conference planning committee. I'll be going on a trip in May to visit the one friend of mine who evidently does enjoy spending time with me... The same friend I just mentioned. lol.

But after this trip, I'll probably lend my services to helping plan the event. I've never done anything like that before. However, it will be my fourth conference so it should be good.

For those who don't know what the Evergreen Conference is, its a really great two-day event full of workshops and classes for being dealing with same-sex attraction in the church. Specifically, it is for those seeking to remain active in the church. However, it is attended by some who are still "figuring things out" and many in attendance have family or friends accompanying them. So just because you see someone you know at the event doesn't mean they're a Moho. haha.

I've gone to the last three Conferences and I always learn something at them. I enjoy them immensely even though, yet again, I'm usually alone.

::::Enter Witty Blog Subject Line Here::::

2008-02-26T23:52:00.001-08:00

One thing on my mind lately is the immaturity of many of the people I see around me.

The other day I was working on homework in the library when Cool Roommate messages me on the computer asking if I know :::: name removed to protect the immature ::: as evidently he had been saying I'd been flirting with him at a gym and I evidently told him my name.

Okay, flaws flaws flaws in this scenario... I don't flirt. Especially with freshmen who are 7 years younger than me. I don't go to the gym. I've never seen or heard of this person in my life. I also wouldn't flirt with this guy even if the above scenarios were not the case. And why would I tell someone I don't even know my name? Do I have "Stalk me" written on my forehead or something?

It bothered me on a few levels. First, the immaturity of the situation---lying about meeting me, then me flirting, etc. I dislike immaturity. Second, it bothers me because of my character. I try to be what I consider a good person. (Or, I should say, the type of person which does the things which I find to be morally good.) So it bothers me when someone makes some statement about my character and broadcasts it to even a small audience of listeners. And third, it bothers me because I do not like people talking about me in what I would feel is "behind my back."

I'm close to graduation. I'd like to leave BYU on a positive note knowing that people who are students here will look back on memories of me and think "Wow, he was a really good guy!" Not, "Wow! He was a hypocrite!"

Cool Roommate told me today that he confronted :::: name removed to protect the immature ::: who then stated that it "must not have been me" or some cheap excuse to get out of an obvious lie. Whether it was to gain attention from me or others, it bothers me. Cool Roommate also told me that nobody believed the story. Thank goodness.

I try to uphold my standards. I don't go to gay chat rooms, I'm not signed up on Connexion, Gay.com, or ... okay, so that's all the Gay Personals type websites I know of. I don't go to gay clubs. I don't flirt with people and I certainly don't think going to Gay Pride Parades is the best avenue for a good time. (There are better and much more appropriate places for me to be.) On most Friday and Saturday evenings you'll find me cooking dinner for one in my apartment, two if Cool Roommate is home and I'm feeling generous. Not getting felt up in some gay bar while complaining about the Mormons or BYU. Not crying about the evils of the Honor Code or how unfair my life is. Or how repressed I am.

I will have it known that despite what people might think---that I'm some sort of religious zealot---I don't treat people badly based on their choices to leave the church, however, I do make it known I would not SUPPORT that decision if it were my choice. I merely support my friend.

Gordon B. Hinckley taught us all, if nothing else, to stand up for our beliefs. So, it bothers me when someone would make up rumors about my own character and standards.

Humorous Sunday Morning

2008-02-24T23:50:00.000-08:00

Okay. So my roommate needs to move out.

Sure, he IS moving out in a few months. But I think it should be sooner.

Not talking about Cool Roommate. Talking about the engaged one.

This morning at 8:20, Cool Roommate and I were both woken up (not together---well, together meaning at the same time but different rooms) to the sounds of a Bob Marley-Rahastafarian-Rap sort of music BLASTING from down the hall. It was loud enough I heard every thickly accented word.

Its bad enough that it ever happened, but its a SUNDAY for crying out loud... day of rest... relaxation... pondering the gospel...

And instead, I wake up to hearing this LOUD music.

Cool Roommate and I are taking votes as to whether or not we blast Mariah Carey, Celine Dion or Judy Garland at full blast next week at 7:00.

Feeling Special and always giving bad news...

2008-02-20T23:45:00.000-08:00

You know, there's nothing in the world like the feeling of being special. I don't know why that is, but whenever I feel special and important to someone it makes me feel like I'm walking on air. Its a very good feeling.

I wonder if part of why same gender attraction is hard for us is because we are the types of people who seek others' affection and attention much more so than the average guy. We seek approval from others to intercept the lack of approval of ourselves. Does that sentence even gramatically or logically make sense? Hang in there---its 1 AM!

What I am trying to say is that so often we seek approval from others to gloss over the fact that we don't approve of ourselves. Or even love ourselves. I think that finding that approval in another person sometimes makes us feel normal, acceptable and good. I think that desire for approval is stronger in US as we tend to be emotionally sensitive people, who also happen to have low self-images of themselves.

Think about what the gay community does: forcing their agendas on others, seeking equal rights, marriage, etc. Isn't this just an outward push for acceptance and approval from a society which at the same time they hate? (Don't even get me started on the numbers of gays who hate President Bush and think he's as honorable as Chavez... who, I might add, is the actual devil and far worse than Bush.)

People can push for rights for whatever makes them happy. However, wouldn't it be better to first get approval from yourself?

Wouldn't it be nicer to accept oneself without the approval of society---to love yourself unconditionally---and not giving a damn about what you look like, act like, etc. in regards to what others think?

I think so.

I think its only after we accept and love ourselves for who we are that we'll feel good about ourselves and our position in the Gospel. We don't have to "accept ourselves" in the way society tells us by getting boyfriends and leaving the church.

As far as that feeling of being light goes that I mentioned at the beginning of my blog... I feel that a lot more now. And honestly, I couldn't care less most of the time what others think about me. I'm happy being me. That approval I feel that makes me feel good stems from me.

On a sidenote, it seems like I'm always having to give bad news to people... Ever feel that way?

My mom

2008-02-17T23:48:00.000-08:00

... is amazing.

I realized today that despite the fact my father refuses to talk about same-gender attraction and they don't live locally enough for me to see them besides a few times a year, I wouldn't swap my parents in a million years.

End of story.

p.s. Cool Roommate and I think Wicked should be released on DVD and we'd each pay $100 for the DVD. Anyone think we need to petition???

House Plans and Greenhouses

2008-02-16T00:20:00.000-08:00

I know I am a nerd deep down when I admit that for the last hour my thoughts have been geared towards two things: House Plans and Greenhouses.

Why these two things?

Because I secretly love planning my future home and also of owning a greenhouse.

Recently I went to a concert with Cool Roommate where I realized that honestly, I didn't fit into the whole "club vibe." A lot of the people there were gay, and I didn't belong. Not because they're more attracted to guys than I am, but because its just NOT my scene. I don't belong in a club. I guess its a gay club on some nights or something? I don't know exactly.

Sure, dancing is great--I loved the concert. But is it the type of place I'm fully comfortable going regularly? Nope. Was it fun? YES! A total blast. Will I go back? Depends on if the singer is good. lol.

Its not my regular hang out spot.

When Cool Roommate decided to stay to go dancing after the concert with some friends, I went home. I don't think I missed out on much. I was tired and not in the mood to dance.

I felt old and out of place at the concert to be quite honest. Cool Roommate is six years younger than me so I guess I feel ancient at times. Cool Roommate had fun at the dance afterwards with his friends. I am glad I did not participate though. I talked with him later about it and he understood why I didn't go.

And to put it simply: I don't want anyone to mistake my morals by seeing me in a gay club. I don't want people to wonder "Hey, is Post-it Boy a bit of a rebel? Is he unsure about the church?" Since I am sure I want the church. And I'm not much of a rebel.

Anyway, about greenhouses... I had this idea that in my dream house someday I'd have a greenhouse large enough I could use it as a sunroom type place. So I could raise fresh tomatoes and things year round and enjoy being able to breathe the fresh air that plants give off. During winter, I miss breathing the air from trees and nature.

I've also been jotting down some things I'd love to have in my future home.

Once again, it proves my nerdiness when I admit I'd rather daydream about a future home I'll share with a friend of mine than go to some club and get felt up by a stranger.

However, at least I will know that my standing with the church will not be second-guessed. Nor will I have to worry about temptations or being around bad influences. Depends, I think, on where you'd rather be.

What was the quote or saying about "I'd rather stand in holy places"? or something like that? Hmmm...

I am not saying that gay clubs, or clubs in general, are evil. But, aren't there better places to dance? Or hang out?

Honestly, I'd rather stand in my future greenhouse sunroom planting tomatoes than go to a gay club. A few years ago, I wanted to become a world famous artist traveling Europe painting. I think that is proof enough that people (and their goals) change.

Speaking of tomatoes, Macey's on State Street in Orem has some DELICIOUS tomatoes on sale for 99 cents a pound. Delicious, I tell you! Red and juicy and firm.

Busy Nothings

2008-02-13T16:03:00.000-08:00

"Life seems more like a quick succession of Busy Nothings" --Mansfield Park.

Does anyone else feel like sometimes their life is just a bunch of busy nothings? Things we fill our lives with that amount to nothing but to fill time.

Sometimes I feel that way, and I hate it. I prefer to stay active in being involved in something, no matter what it is, and detest feeling as if I'm not actually doing something to benefit anyone. Including myself.

Sometimes, I think, that we get so involved in life and keeping on top of things which life requires us to do that our life turns into busy nothings.

For those who have not seen the Jonny Lee Miller version of Mansfield Park: DO! Its so romantic and sweet.

Problems and Solutions

2008-02-12T10:39:00.000-08:00

I'm the type of person who likes to find ultimate solutions for any problem. In my research, I continually come across problems historically with what I think makes sense... So I read more. Reference other books. Go to papers about Social Studies. Talk to professors, etc. in hopes to find a logical answer which I feel confident is correct.

Sometimes life isn't able to give us "answers" to questions.

Recently I was asked to go on a group date. I agreed not realizing that a group date wasn't just a group of people hanging out but many couples doing something together. Naive Post-it Boy!

I realized I have not gone on a "date" at BYU. Over two years and no official date. Just hanging out on occasion with friends and of course there are nights when I hang out with a Moho but its hardly a date.

I don't know who to ask. I know of a couple girls who probably have crushes on me. But is that good to ask a girl out who might have a crush on me only to disappoint her when its a one-time only thing?

Maybe I should just ask a female friend who is "in the know" about my same-gender attraction so I'm not going to have too awkward of a night.

I guess I'm the atypical Mormon guy since I haven't gone on a single guy-girl date since coming here a couple years ago.

Elphaba writes music...

2008-02-05T23:15:00.000-08:00

"Brave" by Idina Menzel

Don't know just where I'm going
And tomorrow, it's a little overwhelming
And the air is coldAnd I'm not the same anymore
I've been running in your direction For to long now
I've lost my own reflection
And I can't look down
If you're not there to catch me when I fall.
If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid Cause it's my turn to be brave
All along all I ever wanted, was to be the light
When your life was daunting
But I can't see mine
When I feel as though you're pushing me away
Well who's to blame, are we making the right choices
Cause we can't be sure if we're hearing our own voices
As we close the door even though we are so desperate to stay
If this is the moment I stand here on my own
If this is my rite of passage that somehow leads me home
I might be afraid But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last chance before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid Cause it's my turn to be brave
And I might still cryAnd I might still bleed
These thorns in my side
This heart on my sleeve
And lightening may strike
This ground at my feet
And I might still crash
But I still believe
This is the moment I stand here all alone
With everything I have inside, everything I own
I might be afraid But it's my turn to be brave
If this is the last time before we say goodbye
At least it's the first day of the rest of my life
I can't be afraid Cause it's my turn to be brave

My so called life

2008-02-05T01:22:00.000-08:00

I will admit that I am currently addicted to watching reruns of My So Called Life on Abc.com. I watch it every week.

That show sometimes makes me think.

The main character Angela at one time tried really hard to fit in. Then, the first episode she dyes her hair red and starts hanging out with new people.

Tonight I make Chicken Cordon Bleu. A friend of mine didn't realize that was the name. He always calls it Chicken Gordon Blue.

And I realized I should call it Chicken Corbin Bleu. Its cuter.

Okay...

I think I like the idea of breaking a mold even more ever since I wrote that blog.

I don't think we all need to be alike. I actually love seeing diversity at church. Tonight I was reading about Samaritans in a good called "The Four Gospels" and it brought up some interesting points.

The Savior went to the Samaritans on several occasions, and also used them in several stories to teach a few principles. It would be like Gordon B. Hinckley using a drug-dealer as an example of Christ-like love. At the time, the Samaritans were a HATED people. Total outcasts and despised. They were partially Jewish in their background but were considered dirty and unclean.

However, among the Samaritans, the Savior found some good followers.

I guess it goes to show that the outcasts of the world are sometimes the best.

The Savior taught the gospel lesson of the Living Waters to a woman who had lived immorally with many men. This was interesting to me. He chose a woman who was an outcast on many levels---being a woman, being a Samaritan and being an open sinner. And yet, he must have known her heart was good.

What is so wrong about being an outcast of mainstream society? People want to fit in with the popular crowd so often, and yet---what truly great artists ever did what everyone else was doing?

Breaking the Mold

2008-02-03T13:20:00.000-08:00

I think sometimes we as Latter-day Saints are afraid of breaking the typical mold of acceptibility.

On one hand, we're taught to stand for something. We're supposed to believe in traditional family values, which, quite honestly I'm 100% in support of. I know it might seem strange that I'm not in support of gay marriage and I would rather support traditional forms of family.

I'm not against gay people, for obvious reasons. I think many gay people are on the defensive in regards to tolerance. Either you are a proud out man (or woman) and if you're straight you're a liberal thinking person in support of their cause---or, if you're not, you're a homophobe.

Why can't there be something in the middle of such a broad spectrum?

I think in the Mormon community those who don't fit the mold are somehow excluded because they don't fit in 100%. You're either the Molly Mormon\Peter Priesthood type, or you're a screw-up. You're either active or inactive. You're a Mormon or you're a non-member. Someone couldn't possibly be "half Mormon" but you get my idea... We have these polarized ways of thinking that when someone comes along who doesn't fit the mold, we don't know what to do with them.

I admire my BYU Professors who don't show up wearing white shirts and ties. Hugh Nibley never fit the mold of what was a typical professor, including the fact that I don't know if he EVER wore a tie. He did it on purpose from what I remember. In fact, I think he was reprimanded on occasion for wearing his old fisherman hat on campus. He was a remarkable person but he was much too intelligent for his own good. He was smart enough to realize people didn't have to fit the mold.

I like to say that part of life is not just to become a Latter-day Saint, but a TRUE Saint.

Early Latter-day Saint converts didn't fit the mold of traditional society. Usually converts were found in the poorest of living conditions, in workhouses, factories, weavers' cottages and poor-houses. Anyone who believes their ancestors in the early church were rich is either a rare exception or a liar. They were the downtrodden of society. They were even poor by the standards of society in which they joined the church, not just in comparison with our standards.

And yet, despite their lack of education, cleanliness and monetary advantage, many excelled in a new environment. Utah was the place to build up Saints as they had to literally build from the ground up. Colonists face hardship and, I believe, if they were not truly converted before coming to the West they certainly were after relying on the Lord.

These people, like me, didn't fit the mold.

A man in a Preston cotton weaving factory, whose death would have gone unnoticed by neighbors, had the opportunity of joining the church and becoming a mayor of a small community in the Western States. He got his lungs adjusted not only to the altitude, but the lack of grime and filthy air he had to breathe from the factories. There would not have been a chance he'd have become a local politician in England, and yet, in America he had that chance.

We as members of the church don't always need to fit the mold to excel in life, and in the gospel. I am about to graduate BYU as an unmarried student. I do not think my lack of a marriage will deter me in my future. In fact, for my chosen career, not being bogged down by a young family might improve my chances of success.

I don't need to fit any mold to be a great person. In fact, I think that those who don't fit the mold become much more caring and compassionate towards others. We as same-gender attracted people in the church can feel downtrodden at times.

What makes us different from the outcasts of society who joined the church in the early days of the restored gospel? Not much! What prevents us from also becoming TRUE Saints? Not much. If its truly what we desire.

I like to think I'm gradually becoming a True Saint. I'm proud I don't fit the mold. Are you?

Sometimes when I'm alone...

2008-02-02T00:11:00.000-08:00

I think about my life when I'm alone.

... And I am alone quite a bit.

Not always out of my own choosing. Sometimes I'm alone when the last thing I'd want is to be alone.

I think that my life isn't all that bad. I miss having someone around who tells me I'm important to them. I have that with some of my friends, one in particular who tells me everyday how Important I am. However, sometimes when I'm alone in my bed just before I fall asleep, I wonder why I am alone in the first place.

I walked through Gordon B. Hinckley's viewing on Thursday. It was really beautiful seeing so many thousands of people coming to honor him. I hope that when I die, people (including myself) will look back and say I did a good job. Hopefully I'll even get a Gold Star for my life.

I worry sometimes that when I'm old, I won't have as many visitors. By that time, everyone I know will be married with kids and grandkids, etc. And I'll just be that old guy at the end of the street whose house people are afraid of. haha. Well, hopefully not.

Sometimes I feel a little trapped in what I can become. I really want to teach someday, and I'm working towards that goal. But... A single male BYU Professor? Could it be possible? We'll see.

I've dreamed about teaching at BYU for years. Its all I've ever really wanted to be, since I grew up from the childish ideas that I could make it big on Broadway despite no singing capabilities. I think every little moho dreams about acting sometimes. :)

But, if BYU won't hire me because I am single, I guess it is their loss. I'd be dedicated if they hired me. And they wouldn't have to worry about paying for any dependants on the insurance.

I want to spend my life feeling as if I've accomplished something.

So, to my friend who tells me I am important everyday, I know you read these blogs. Just remember you're my best friend and I couldn't imagine not having you around.

And for all those others who read my blog, hang in there... I get lonely sometimes, I know, but generally I'm quite happy with my life. I just get lonely and analyze too much.

In the mood for a change...

2008-01-29T10:50:00.000-08:00

I have minimal classes this semester with an awful lot of "down time" when I'm busy doing school work, researching for papers due this semester, etc.

This past week I haven't gone to Salt Lake City or even as far as Orem. Mostly, I've been in my house or been on campus.

It's a little weird. I kind of miss having excursions to Salt Lake. Gives me something to do that is different. I can visit with family and all that jazz...

I'm kind of seeking a mini-change right now. I've been at home for too long. So I think I'm going to see my aunt in Salt Lake for a bit. Might be fun to have a change of scenery. And I have some classes cancelled this week.

Anyone else ever feel the need to have a mini-change of scenery?

Its also very cold and I think I need to get a hot latin lover to keep me warm and snuggly at night. haha.

Our Prophet

2008-01-27T23:36:00.000-08:00

Today, our Prophet passed away at 7:00PM. I learned about it at 8:08PM when my roommate came into my room and told me of the news... His sister had only just recently learned.

Within 5 minutes, I had gotten a call from my mother. I told my friend in South America via an Instant Message, he being one of the first likely in his country to hear. I texted a dozen of my friends. Then called by brother.

Within an hour, I'd gotten about ten messages from other friends about the news.

Mormon news travels fast.

For some reason, I feel like I need to go to a viewing if at all possible.

He was my Prophet for half of my life. I am twenty five years old now and he's been a Prophet for twelve years. I am still a little in shock.

So I guess a current Apostle with make the third in the First Presidency and another new Apostle will be called? Sheesh, I can't even remember the name of the newest one from October yet! Takes me at least two Conference sessions to remember the name...

Why do I feel torn by his death? I never knew him, although I'd seen him a few times in person.

I'm saddened by his death. I hope he realizes just how important he is to many members of the church.

Rainy Days and Sundays...

2008-01-27T16:04:00.000-08:00

I am kidding about the blog title. Just a play on words with the Karen Carpenter song.

Although, I heard it is supposed to be a Rainy Day in Provo today. But I hope not. Rain and winter don't mix. Because then ice happens.

Today in my Ward we had a Fast Sunday because next week is some sort of Stake Conference thing. I had a prompting to bear my testimony and I spoke for a minute about my favorite scripture...

Its short, simple and to the point...

Doctrine and Covenants 76: 60 "And they shall overcome all things."

I like this scripture over others because it is simple but also profound.

It is referring to the people who will inherit Celestial Glory. They will overcome all things. ALL THINGS. Not just some things. And not just most things. ALL THINGS. It's all inclusive.

I think it describes how we can work now. To try to overcome anything in our lives.

I'm not saying that tomorrow I'm going to wake up with thoughts of having sex with a woman, or even a desire to get married in this life. I do not think that is going to happen, nor do I think that is what is involved with "overcoming" same-gender attraction.

So many of the ex-Mormon crowd taunt those of us who choose to stay in the church, saying we're looking for a "cure" and laughing at the thought. Or even making fun of individuals who choose for whatever reason to get married. Or those who choose to remain married after "coming out" to their spouse. Or those who choose to leave the gay world and return to the church.

Personally, I think there are many ways to "overcome" this.

For one, I won't let it rule my life. I don't spend all day thinking or talking about it. Honestly, I have better things to do. Even if I decided to get a boyfriend and leave the church, I'd HOPE my life wasn't all tied up in who I was attracted to. There's a lot more to life.

No matter what I decide, I can overcome this "hurdle" in life by doing all I can to make the world a better place. I like to be a positive influence on those around me. I can provide service or just be a friend. While it might not be changing my orientation, I can change those around me for the better--focusing on them might help me to worry about my own challenges.

So I will close this blog with my testimony that I love the Church, I love the Prophet and I want to honor him by listening to him... I am not always the best at it. I know this church is true. And I will listen to the Prophet's teachings regarding homosexual behavior. I KNOW it is true. I could never deny it. And I also know that we can overcome any challenge in life---large or small---but that overcoming it doesn't mean it will always go away.

Have a great Sabbath day!

p.s. Cool Roommate and I are going to FHE tomorrow night. First time ever together. Weird. I never normally do ward things. But it might be fun!

Seriously... Random

2008-01-25T17:28:00.000-08:00

I was working on homework in the library last night and missed the bus. So I walked home. And for about as far from the Hinckley Building down to Little Caesar's some dark creepy person was following me. It was weird.

I have been a little under the weather today so I've been doing homework at home instead of the library. Just a stuffy nose. Nothing life-shattering or otherwise dangerous to my life.

I kind of want the Straighties to move out. And then replace them with better looking gay versions of themselves---and if they're not gay, then at least give them personalities.

I have been tired all day but I didn't want to go to bed yet. I kind of just want to do nothing but eat ice cream. But in order to eat ice cream, I'd need to go to the store. And leaving my apartment is a no-no.

I've been a little lonely lately. So many days spent in my apartment doing homework and not having a social life. I miss having friends who just call me up to see how I'm doing. I liked that. And it was nice to have someone call me up to hang out. It doesn't happen a lot anymore.

I've been listening to a musical the last hour called Bare: A Pop Opera. Its really good. I've mentioned it before.

I kind of just want to curl up in my bed and go to sleep and hopefully wake up without a stuffy nose.

Mitt vs. Clinton vs. Barrack

2008-01-22T10:51:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I woke up today and was super tired but for whatever reason decided to turn on The View where they quickly criticized Mitt. Made me think...

I'm not supporting Mitt because he's a Mormon. Actually, initially, I was in support of Barrack until I saw what an idiot he seems at times. And although I think Hillary could be good, I think she'd end up like her husband. I think both are manipulators.

Anyway, I like Mitt because so far, he's seemed the most down-to-earth and honest candidate. Plus, I think he's better looking than the Kennedy family who everyone thought was so gorgeous... No, I don't have a crush on Mitt Romney. I just think he and his wife could bring back a little of the old-school Camelot feel to the White House and the Presidency.

Honestly, I think he could become our President.

And I'm not against a Mormon for President. I'm not FOR a Mormon for President either. His religion simply made me aware of him, although, I used to work in Massachusetts when he was Governor so I knew all about him before.

I think its annoying that this Presidency Campaign is the Mormon, the Black and the Woman. Seems a little ridiculous to me. Sometimes I wish the American People would realize the importance of a Presidency and try to pay at least a remote amount of attention to who is elected. SO many people ignore their right to vote. Its honestly, extremely sad to me.

Even in a state like Idaho which will undoubtedly vote for Mitt (not because he's Mormon but because they always vote Republican) I think its important for everyone to vote.

I don't think one should vote simply because of race, gender or religion... It should be about "WHO will make this country better?"

So unless Barrack really impresses me in the next while, I'm voting for Mitt.

And, am I the only one that forgot McCain was running too?

My Soapbox

2008-01-20T22:23:00.000-08:00

Okay, so I actually had to re-read my blog from last night because I posted it way too late slash way too early to remember what I said.

It should always be a bad idea to blog when your mind isn't clear. I still stand by what I said though.

Now for a discussion...

I've noticed amongst many of my gay friends this need to be recognized. And I've noticed that the gay community fights for this a bit. Society needs to recognize their unions, their rights, their this, their that, etc.

I can understand what it feels like to be rejected by one's peers and even partially my family. While only my parents are currently "in the know" I have felt rejection by my family at times. I have a close relative who absolutely and bitterly hates gay people. Wants nothing to do with them and thinks even celibate gays are on a one-way ticket to hell. So while he doesn't know about me, it still is rejection on some level. Its painful. But I moved beyond it.

So many people fight so hard to be accepted. I think that gay rights is a step with this---fighting for acceptance from the masses.

Sure, I advocate less violence towards gays. But I would say the same about any group! Blacks, Jews, Mormons, Christians, Republicans... etc. I don't like when anyone is physically harmed or made fun of. I don't agree with homophobic attacks on people just as much as I hate people attacking other groups of people.

I don't think marriage rights will change many peoples' minds about gay people. And I don't think every person in America needs to have a gay friend or read gay themed children's stories in elementary school ... "Billy has two Mommys" or whatever. Seems silly, once again, for the issues of the few to overshadow the majority.

I'm a historian and I can tell you that the institution of marriage goes back as far as recorded history points. Always for various reasons. Historically, Marriage was a financial institution between a man and woman in order to help provide necessary trades and abilities and further protect the individual from financial ruin. Marriage later became about love and affection in a more Victorian age. Marriage motives have changed but the definitions have stayed the same.

I am not against Domestic Partner relationships or "common law" agreements in order to protect one's inheritance. (After all, marriage historically also dealt with legal inheritors... why do you think being a bastard child has had a bit of a social stigma?)

Marriage is defined as being between a man and a woman.

Instead of fighting for one's own rights, isn't a more-Christlike attitude to seek to help others?

Aren't there children starving in foreign countries? And people who are dying because of a lack of something like Penicillin?

Wouldn't a better rally be to try to save lives than to promote one's own agenda? Personally, I'd rather focus on other issues which are more pressing.

Another thing I have to discuss... why is Zac Efron the most talked about cast member of High School Musical when Corbin Bleu is absolutely adorable?

Okay, so Corbin is far too young for me to have a crush on him. BUT I think he's cute in the way that I'd love to adopt him. Or better yet, adopt a little biracial kid who has hair like his! He's adorable. Zac is great in Hairspray.

I had to PROVE my sexuality by bringing up Corbin since I know some people are shrieking that I'm not a supporter of gay marriage and all that jazz.

Corbin Bleu is much more adorable than Zac Efron. 100 times. No questions asked. I'm watching Corbin Bleu youtube clips. And yes, I will admit I secretly want to own his CD...

Gay Marriage

2008-01-20T02:02:00.000-08:00

I went to a get-together of gays, straights and mohos tonight and someone brought up Gay Marriage briefly as I was walking out the door. They were like "Who wouldn't want to support Gay Marriage here?"

Knowing that the audience was gay-friendly, I'm sure they never would have guessed that I almost piped up and said "Me!"

I guess I'm a little different because I don't support gay marriage. And I don't ever see myself fighting for gay rights.

Aren't people given natural rights of being a human being? Does being gay offer you more rights or the right to shove your opinions on others? Doesn't the gay Minority (and yes, despite what people think---gays are a minority of the population no matter what they say...) say that mainstream society pushes their views of traditional marriage on them?

Well, if that's the case, then isn't the minority pushing their marriage views on the majority the same thing but in reverse?

Sure, I'm attracted to guys plenty... Just as much as the next guy. Okay, so not really the NEXT guy since most men are not gay. But you know what I mean. :)

Am I getting more and more old fashioned everyday? Am I in fact turning into my parents?

If I start making quilts and complaining about how much things cost, then I'll know I am.

Seems a downright shame...

2008-01-08T11:42:00.001-08:00

Green finch, and linnet bird,
Nightingale, blackbird,
How is it you sing?
How can you jubilate
sitting in cagesnever taking wing?
Outside the sky waits
Beckoning!Beckoning!
Just beyond the bars...
How can you remain staring at the rain
maddened by the stars?
How is it you sing
anything?
How is it you sing?
Green finch. and linnet bird,
nightingale, blackbird
How is it you sing?
Whence comes this melody
constantly floating?
Is it rejoicing or merely aloaming?
Are you discussing?
Or fussing?
Or simply dreaming?
Are you crowing?
Are you screaming?
Ring dove and robinet is it for wages?
Singing to be sold?
Have you decided it's safer in cages
singing when you're told?
My cage has many rooms
damask and dark...
Nothing there sings,
not even my lark.
Larks never will,
you know,when they're captive.
Teach me to be more adaptive.
Ah...Green Finch, and Linnet Bird,
nightingale, blackbird,
teach me how to sing.
If I cannot fly...Let me sing.

Last night Cool Roommate and I went to see Sweeney Todd. Talk about fun! Murder, mayhem, cannibalism all wrapped in a Sondehim musical.

Okay, so it was Rated R but I'm sorry... its a musical and I'll watch just about any musical.

It was very bloody but the music was AMAZING.

This song made me think about how we sometimes do feel a little trapped in our circumstances in life. The character is being held against her will but manages to sing anyway. Shouldn't we all try to do that? ... No matter what we're dealing with, we should find some glimmer of happiness that allows us to sing.

I say that as I am singing this song as home. I am a horrible singer but I just enjoy singing.

And besides, the straighties are not home.

He wanted to say...

2008-01-06T01:54:00.001-08:00

... I wanted to talk to my parents more while on my final Christmas Vacation from school. But I didn't.

I don't know what I would have said.

I don't know whether anything I said would even matter. I'm doing alright. I'm going to church. I'm about to graduate in a field in which my parents are thrilled I'm going into. They don't have to twist my arm to do the right thing.

And yet I cannot help but feel as if I am letting them down on some level.

Maybe they'd prefer it if I was different.

I wonder if I shame my dad. If not, I wonder why he never wants to talk to me about things. Or say he is proud of me.

Focus on marriage... or something more?

2008-01-02T10:55:00.000-08:00

I got an email today from a friend of mine who was feeling overwhelmed by thoughts of marriage. Evidently several of his friends lately are getting married. He's at the age just above graduation---and I am nearing it as well being nearly 26---that is just beginning to be over the "boundary" of normalcy for marriage.

Brigham Young is oft mis-quoted (or should I say ill-documented and poorly quoted as the age changes repeatedly) as saying single men in their late 20's were menaces to society.

Single people don't seemingly have a place in the church. I can assure you that every great aunt of mine has wondered why I'm not married. I've even had a cousin of my mother's try to hook me up AT A FAMILY REUNION. I know what its like to be a Single Mormon. Believe me.

What if Moho's stopped caring about marriage? What if marriage wasn't their motivation to stay in the church---?

So many Moho's say "I want a wife and children. That is why I keep battling!"

Well, that reason is good enough to stay in the church for now. But will it work 10 years from now?

Couldn't there be a better reason to stay?

Like... what about if instead of focusing on marriage and family as a commitment, we focused more on "I want to be a good person" or "I'd like to be with my Saviour someday, so I will live according to how he taught..."

Wouldn't that be a longer-lasting reason to continue with our life of honoring church commitments?

On a sidenote, I've had another friend of mine tell me he's received personal inspiration that going the gay route is okay with the Lord and he's allowed to have a sexual relationship with his partner. Does anyone else hear this? Personally, I'd rather stick with what the Prophet is saying rather than trying to change doctrine. Just curious if anyone's come across this.

Happy New Years! Make 2008 super hot and awesome!

Christmas

2007-12-26T10:25:00.001-08:00

I was speaking to my mother the other day and she told me something which was a little surprising but also comforting.

We were talking about same-gender attraction. Using code words so that in case anyone overheard, nobody could understand. She told me something shocking...

"I have never once cried about those feelings."

She's never cried over my same-gender attraction issues. She has had concerns for my well-being but never enough that she had resorted to crying.

It was comforting to me knowing that my mother is alright with this issue. So why should I ever cry over something like this?

I'm glad that 99% of the time I'm okay with it too.